Summer is finally here - time to relax and enjoy the longer days. False.
1) The days are not longer; summer days remain exactly twenty-four hours long. It's basic science folks. The earth's rotation around the sun does not change. It's only the earth's angle that changes, which merely produces an increase in daylight hours. What kind of fool confuses daylight hours with total hours in a day? (Probably the same people who still refer to the "Dog Days of Summer." Sirius no longer rises at dawn making this antiquated expression meaningless in the modern world.)
2) Summer is also NOT a time to relax. With all due respect to Gershwin and The Fresh Prince summer is neither when "the livin' is easy," nor a "time to sit back and unwind." While they create a nice tune, musicians should never be trusted for their factual accuracy. July is the busiest month in the beet-growing season with both a harvest and a plant. What would happen if I decided to "relax"? Beets would mold in the ground causing heart attacks to increase. Without beets people's folate levels will drop, causing their homocysteine levels to rise, obviously leading to an increase in heart attacks and/or sexual virility all over northeastern Pennsylvania. I will not be responsible for the increase in government spending to send ambulances scurrying all over the county nor for the increased divorce rate. However, there is one special day in July that is a respite from all the farm labor - July 24th. What is so special about July 24th? It's the birthday of another important summer- Summer Glau. This year it falls on a Saturday so Mose and I will celebrate by eating some newly harvested beets while watching Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles followed by Firefly and, to cap off the night, Serenity. This evening usually ends in an arm wrestling match as Mose and I vie to prove which of us is most fit to mate with Summer. You'd think it would be easy for me to beat Mose with my superior strength, but he works to make his hands very slippery. I believe he is illegally using popcorn grease but I will not provide butter for the popcorn this year. Frau Glau can rest assured that I will be her champion at last. When that happens, we will ride off into the sunset during the regular length days of summer.
Well, once again it's time for World Cup Fever. It seems everyone is enthralled with the games, everyone but me. I am completely immune to World Cup Fever. Why do you ask? For starters, I don't understand the appeal of soccer; I see the game as a waste of a perfectly good field. For my money, I'd rather watch a good game of Circleball or King of the Mountain. Plus, I don't like cups - I much prefer steins.Mose, however, is not immune to World Cup fever; he's completely obsessed. I think it's the bright colors of the players' uniforms that he's attracted to (in the past he's taken a similar liking to the employees of Hot Dog On A Stick). When the games started, Mose was begging me nonstop to take him to South Africa. He was relentless. Obviously going to Africa was out of the question. I didn't want to disappoint him though, so I devised a clever plan to make him think we were going to Africa. I had him put a blindfold on then drove him to a soccer scrimmage at the closest inner city high school. Mose didn't know the difference. Throughout the game he blew on his homemade vuvuzela, having a great time! I may not have enjoyed the match, in fact I hated it, but it was nice to make Mose's soccer dream come true. Come 2014, I'll have to go to South Scranton to find a school that resembles Brazil.
The news is constantly bombarding me with stories about alleged heroes. I find these supposed acts of heroism suspect. First, these people always claim not to be heroes when describing their acts. Why would they downplay their actions? Because they caused the disaster in the first place. You want to look good on the nightly news? Set fire to a building and wait for someone to toss a baby out the window. Or you put an alligator in a swimming pool and wait for some unsuspecting child to "save." If these people were true heroes, they would not need to feign humility. Only cowards with guilty consciences do that. Take a lesson from Iron Man and tout real heroism from every modern communication platform. If these were true acts of heroism based on random opportunity, I would be a hero many times over by now. Not only am I prepared to aid in any disaster, I seek them out. I stake out all night gas stations for potential armed robbers. Nothing. I drive known school bus routes just in case one should catch on fire. Never. I followed vulnerable looking women home. That only led to me being questioned by police. No good deed goes unpunished. I may not have had the opportunity to show my true heroism yet, but when I do (I've invested in several new police scanners), I will say, "Yes, I am a hero. How correct of you to notice."
After the recent Eyjafjallajokull eruption that has brought the world to its knees, I realized that of all natural disasters, I'm most like the volcano. Hurricanes, unlike me, give their targets too much warning; people are able to evacuate and meteorologists even have time give them depression-era names. Earthquakes are too common (seems these days an earthquake hits some underdeveloped country every week), I consider myself more of an anomaly. I've seen footage of the tsunami that hit Asia; a big slow moving wave isn't dramatic enough to capture the spirit of Dwight Schrute. And tornadoes, although swift, behave too randomly, they just hit houses here and there - they lack the razor sharp focus I possess. Of all natural disasters, I am without question most like the volcano for these reasons:1) I strike when you least expect it. No one sees a volcanic eruption coming, just ask the people of Pompeii. No one sees Dwight Schrute coming, just ask that jaywalker I citizens arrested last week. Like, myself, a volcano lulls you into having a false sense of security and then...BAM! We erupt! 2) Sexy. Maybe it's just me, but I've always found there to be something sexual about volcanoes. Don't know why, just do. 3) I'm a master of disguise. It was a clever volcano that hid its hot magma in a country called Iceland. You'd never suspect blazing molten lava to erupt out of a glacier, just as you'd never suspect a paper salesman to have a hunting knife and spud gun hidden in his briefcase. 4) Tall. Volcanoes provide some of the highest peaks on earth. I'm taller than most people. So there you have it. I, Dwight Schrute am a volcano. Ka-boom!
The economic crisis began with mortgage lenders throwing money at dolts who couldn't afford their payments. Sad stuff. Lucky for me, I've lived my entire existence in an economized state. I'd like to share suggestions with all those super-sized Baconator chateau-living goons out there, who are making their first attempts at being resourceful and cutting back.DwellingYour house can be more than just the spot where you rest your head or butcher your pigs - it can also be a vibrant moneymaker. The spare rooms at Schrute Farms have provided beautiful memories for excursionists, while bringing in gobs of additional cash for Mose and I. I also rent out my basement to a part-time dentist, which means even more money coming in, and free travel toothbrushes whenever I desire.ClothingI laugh in the face of your Goldie Hawns, your Diane Keatons, spending thousands on inane wardrobes that are hot one moment and offensive the next. I sport most of my dead grandfather's garb - classic, durable, free. And Mose knits our wintertime attire.SustenanceIf you're 85 or younger and your appendages are still mobile, you should be hoeing your harvest every morning. I've been living off the land since I escaped the womb. It's not only cheaper than those preposterous yuppie grocery markets like A&P, but pasturing also gives you brawn. No need for a gym membership. Two birds, one garden stone.TransportationI bought a Pontiac Firebird in 1987 and haven't looked back since. No car payment in 19 years. Most of you halfwits forget that your vehicle is a machine, not an ornamental showboat to arouse the neighbors. So trade in your cutting edge Accords and Eclipses for something more affordable. If it has airbags, it's too good for you. Take all of this advocacy and run with it. Or don't, and forever be a penniless idiot.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Creed Thoughts
Boy do I have a story to tell. You know how I was keeping track of Michael’s safe combo? Well it finally came in handy. I was trolling around the office last night after hours and heard some noise coming from the boss’s room. Normally the office is real quiet at night, which is why I stick around in the first place. Quiet is like a drug to me and if I don’t get my fix every night, I start to get the shakes.
So anyway, I heard these noises and got freaked out that the bossman was using his office for a little nighttime nooky with that new chick that sits in Tony’s seat every day. Not wanting to get caught, I dropped down and started to army crawl over to investigate (I got a Private Investigator license so I’m allowed to investigate anything I want, suckers). As luck would have it, there wasn’t anybody in there. Turns out that the noise was coming from inside Michael’s big furniture cabinet thing. So I opened the cabinet door, half expecting a cat to jump out at me. Usually when I open cabinets or closets or anything, cats end up pouncing on me. For some reason, cats find me very attractive.
Nothing jumped out at me, but I could hear the rustling pretty close to the ground, so I bent over and figured out that it was coming from the safe. For a second, I just stared at it, wondering what could be inside. Then I realized that I had been saving up Michael’s safe combo for this very occasion. Well, this occasion and whenever I needed some cash, but that’s beside the point.
I went over to my computer and looked back at my previous entries of this thing. Apparently I wasn’t too good with my record keeping because the numbers were kind of off. I ended up trying out every combo I wrote down and you know what? I didn’t get it right until the very last one I tried. The good news is, I got it open and you’ll never guess what was inside.
No, it wasn’t a cat, smart ass. It was a squirrel! I don’t know for the life of me why that guy had a squirrel in his safe, but I do know that I got me a new pet. And I’m going to train it. Right now I’m calling it Butthead, but I’m open to suggestions for new names if you got any. In just a few months, I’m going to have the best trained squirrel in Pennsylvania. I’m also going to blackmail Michael because I’m pretty sure it’s against the law to lock a squirrel in a safe. False imprisonment or something.
Everything’s coming up Creed!
I want to say I was about four years old when I fell in love with music. My memory’s not great, so it could have been anywhere between four and fourteen, but I think it was closer to four. I was hanging out in an old abandoned car factory in South Carolina and I came across a bunch of old bumpers lying on the ground. At that age, I used to walk around with a bunch of sticks in my back pocket in case I ever needed something to throw. When I saw those bumpers, I don’t know what came over me, but I knew that I had to take out a pair of sticks and start banging away.
From the instant my sticks hit that metal, I was hooked. I pounded out beat after beat, dancing and singing along. I loved it. The music jumped into my body like a venereal disease from a hooker. I stayed in that factory for hours and hours just banging away. The next day, I came back and started right up where I left off. I made up songs about everything: jump ropes, corn, beaver skin hats. Nothing was off limits.
About a week later, I saw an old man playing a beat-up guitar on the street. I watched him for a while, trying to learn what he was doing as I stood there. After about an hour, he said he had to go to the can and asked me to watch his instrument. I gladly agreed. When he left to go to the bathroom, I snatched the guitar and ran all the way to the factory. It was the first thing I had ever stolen and on that day, I said to myself “Music and thieving are going to be the biggest things in your life” and you know what? They still are.
Music has been a part of me ever since. Not a day goes by where I don’t tap out a rhythm or pick up my axe and play a lick or two. If you cut open my veins, I’m fairly certain that quarter notes would come tumbling out. I can’t imagine my life without music and I don’t want to.
I spend a lot of time in the library. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not there for the books. Books are for table balancing and throwing at birds. I go for the air conditioning and the smell. Libraries smell good. It almost makes me want to like books, but not quite. Anyway, there’re a lot of kids at the library -- maybe it’s summer school or something – and these kids talk like I’ve never heard before. It’s like a secret street language and I want in. They say stuff like “that dude got clowned” and “he got that swag when he walks.” I want to know what the hell these kids are talking about, but they won’t tell me. I’ve tried going up to the kids to talk about the phrases, but they get kind of freaked out by me. Just wait until they need an ID – then we’ll see who’s running away and telling the librarians.
Anyway, those jerks won’t tell me anything, so I’m making up my own words and phrases. This is my street dictionary and I’m not even charging for it. Just don’t tell the kids in the library, okay?
Keep it bowlin’ – Everyone likes bowling, so this is a phrase for when you want to tell someone to stay positive. For example, if someone tells you they lost their job, you can just tell them to keep it bowlin’ and that’ll cheer them up.
Ploppers – This means bad. “Did you see that movie last night? It was ploppers.”
Horribly obese – I’m taking this one from the library kids. They say things are fat all the time, so I took it a step further. In this case, it means the most beautiful ever. If a foxy dame comes walking in, you can call her horribly obese. I think it might take some time before it catches on, so use this one with caution because some broads may not have heard it yet and could take it the wrong way.
Willy fingers – Perhaps the hardest to explain, but you get willy fingers when you really want to fight someone. “When my boss was yelling at me, I really started getting willy fingers.” Your fingers start moving real fast and itching because they want to hit something – that’s the willy fingers.
Those kids are going to regret not letting me in on their lingo. My slang’s going to take over the nation and there’s nothing those idiots can do to stop it. Keep it bowlin’, people.
We’re having a party at work tomorrow to celebrate “08/08/08 Day,” which is great because I’ll be able to eat enough that I won’t have to buy food for a week. That’s my favorite part about work parties – they end up saving me a lot of moolah in the long run. I wish they were more fun, though. If I was in charge, we’d be rocking and rolling all night. My parties would go down in history as the best work parties of all time. Here’s a rundown of my perfect party:
We’d start out with a bang, and by that I mean I’d fire off a starter’s pistol so people knew the party actually started. The very first event of the party would be Bobbing for Creed Shots. I’d fill a large kiddie pool with Creed Juice -- a mixture of kool-aid, Pop Rocks, and grain alcohol -- and throw some shot glasses in there. Then everyone has to lean in, grab a shot glass with their mouths, and take the shot. It’s messy but it sure gets things started right. If you’re not drunk after Bobbing for Creed Shots, you’re not playing right.
So after everyone’s good and sauced up, I’d break out the piñatas. The key to piñatas at parties is naming them. If you name them after co-workers, you know people are going to really get into it. I’m not so great with names, so I’d let somebody else do the naming, but trust me, they would all be named. As for filling them, that all depends on the budget. If there’s no dinero for the piñatas, then I’d fill them with dry rice. If there’s a little cash around, then I’d go for hard candy. With hard candy, you get the fun of seeing the piñata burst AND the injuries that go with it.
After piñata time, we’d go straight into the eating contests. I’m partial to deviled eggs for quantity, but I know hot dogs are pretty popular these days, too. I’d compromise and make hot dog omelets for everyone to scarf down. I’m pretty sure I know who’d win, but you never can tell – sometimes the smallest accountants make the biggest eaters.
When the party winds down, I’d do another round of Bobbing for Creed Shots and then send people on their way with Goody Bags. The bags would just be filled with office supplies, but hey, everyone likes a parting gift, right?
They should really make me head of that party committee thing. I’d be amazing.
Why is it so impressive to sleep on a bed of nails? There’s obviously a trick to it that makes it not hurt. I think the real challenge is sleeping in a bed filled with needles. You just know that’s not gonna end well.
I’ve gone for rolls in the hay and it is nothing like sex.
Sometimes I’ll do shots of mouthwash. It gets me a little tipsy and gives me great breath.
I think baseball should introduce a longstop position, just in case the shortstop misses the ball.
Who decided that we needed both North and South Dakota. It seems like a lot of wasted paperwork to me.
Catching flies with your hands is fun, but catching frogs with your feet is a lot more satisfying.
I like to wear two undershirts most days because you never know when you’ll walk into a strip poker game.
I want to open up a bar called “Creed’s Meads” and bring mead back to how popular it was during the American Revolution. It’ll be right between my book store and woodwind instrument shop – Creed’s Reads and Creed’s Reeds.
Why hasn’t anyone built a live-action version of Chutes and Ladders? I’d be first in line to play.
I’ve always thought that shopping carts are just mobile jails for food and all the prisoners are sentenced to death by ingestion. Kind of makes you shop differently, huh?
I’m Batman. At least that’s what I tell women in bars after a few rounds. It’s a great pick-up line because they have no way of knowing if it’s true or not. Sure, they have a 99% chance of knowing that you’re not Batman, but it’s that 1% that gives you the in.
What you’re really looking for is the lady that wants to argue with you about how much you’re not Batman. Those are the broads that end up in bed with you later on yelling “Yes, Batman! Show me your utility belt!” It works every time. It also helps to have a utility belt with you because up until that point, she may still not believe you’re Batman, but when you produce the utility belt, you send her head spinning.
I never used to be good at pick-up lines because I was too direct. “I’d like to be your blanket” works on some chicks, but most of them just slap you and walk away. Don’t get me wrong, I love a good slapping. It’s good for the skin and makes you focus on the task at hand. I’d just rather talk to the woman than get slapped, that’s all. So I had to take a different approach. I’ve heard of new dating advice books where you’re supposed to insult a girl to get her attention, but I think that’s the wrong approach. If I’m not pretending to be Batman, I like to use really impressive facts to get them to talk to me.
I’ll pick out the hottest lady in the bar (or zoo or botanical garden or wherever else I might happen to be) and get her attention with a really loud whisper. Women respond really well to whispers. It’s because they like secrets. So I’ll whisper, “Hey you, come over here” and I’ll look like I’ve got a real big secret to tell them. When they come over, I reach into my bag of facts (not literally) and pull out a good one. “Dolphins are the only animals besides humans that copulate for pleasure.” It works like a charm. Most of the time. Not really. It gets me slapped less, though, so I’m sticking with it.
I’ve been trying something new lately and it’s really put a new spin on how I go through my days. Instead of waking up ten minutes before work and wiping myself down with a damp paper towel, I’ve been waking up really early and going for walks all over town. You’d be amazed at how quiet this place is without people in it. I haven’t felt this peaceful in years.
I went over to Nay Aug Park the other day at around 4am and even the geese were still asleep when I got there. I couldn’t believe my luck. It’s been a dream of mine for years to see how far I could throw a goose and this was the perfect opportunity. I’ve definitely learned that you’ve got to strike fast when dealing with sleeping animals because the element of surprise is your biggest weapon. That old wives’ tale about letting sleeping dogs lie only applies if you don’t have a plan for after you wake up the dog. With geese, it’s the same story. You wake up a goose just for the fun of it, you’ll get pecked like no tomorrow. Their beaks are painful, man. You don’t want to find out first hand.
One of my great joys in life is going to the car wash. Some people may think of it as a hassle, just another chore in their already over-chored lives, but not me. The car wash for me is a wonderful place. It’s where you go to get a new lease on life, or at least a new lease on your scooter. I’m not talking about actual leases – I have no idea how to get a new lease on a scooter. I won mine in a fight. I’m talking about that feeling when you bring in your scooter all caked in mud and whatever other junk might be stuck on there and you ride off with a shiny new-looking scooterino. That’s satisfaction.
You might not have a scooter. You might have a car: the more “traditional” vehicle to take to a car wash. I’m a proud scooter owner and as a proud scooter owner, I like to keep my scooter clean. After all, dirt really shows up on red plastic, you know? So once every month or so in the summer, I take a trip to the place on Moosic and get my wheels all soaped up.
It’s hard to describe the feeling I get at the car wash without sounding dirty (not that that’s ever stopped me before), but I’ll try. It feels a little bit like I’m in the hospital getting a sponge bath from some real foxy nurses. Replace hospital with car wash and real foxy nurses with real burly joes and that’s pretty much what the experience is like. I love to see them get down and dirty with my little scooter. Wipe it down and rinse it off and put so much care into the job. When it comes out of there all gleaming and clean, I feel like I need a smoke.
Look, I’m not a real extravagant guy. I pick fights with extravagant guys. But the car wash is the one place where I can throw down eight bucks once a month and feel like a king. A fella’s got to feel pampered once in a while, you know?
The 4th of July is tomorrow and some would say it’s the greatest American holiday. Not me. I think America Day beats the pants off of the 4th of July.
You may have missed America Day this year because it’s not really well-advertised. It takes place on June 20th and it is a sight to behold. America Day was created by a friend of mine named Samuel Che Emanuel. He’s rail-thin with a haircut that looks oddly as if a woman had her hair cut short like a man. It’s hard to describe, but it’s a feminine masculine haircut, if that makes sense to anyone. He’s a real sparkplug of a guy. Grew up in the wilderness of Colorado with a pet bear. It was a midget bear, so he didn’t have to worry about it eating him or anything. His parents were trappers and lived “off the grid” so to speak, so wildlife pets were nothing new to him.
Anyway, one day, Sammy Che (as we call him) was walking with Midgy (as he called his bear) and stumbled upon a rock formation that looked like an eagle soaring through the air with a flag waving behind it. I’m guessing that Sammy Che was tripping pretty hard that day, so who knows what the rock formation actually looked like. All we know is that Sammy Che returned home and declared that day America Day. When I first met Sammy Che, it was the 20th anniversary of America Day and he showed me how the day is properly celebrated.
I’ve always liked uniforms. When I was a kid, I wore sailor suits every day until I was eight. People called me Captain Crapstick because of how I dressed and the fact that I would carry around a stick with me that I used for poking all sorts of crap. I still have my sailor suit hanging proudly in my closet, but I only break it out when a special lady comes over. It doesn’t fit so well anymore, but I still look darn cute in it.
In my opinion, every job should have a uniform. Fast-food workers, gas station attendants, exterminators, these guys all have it covered already. I’m pushing for the jobs that make you waste time every morning decided what to wear. Take my job, for instance. I know I’m not allowed to wear shorts, because every time I do, I get yelled at. I also can’t wear vests without shirts underneath. So I’m locked into wearing a certain combination of clothing every day, but there are just too many choices. If it were up to me, I’d implement an office worker uniform so you could just wake up every morning, go to your uniform closet, and three seconds later you’re all set.
My uniform would consist of three items and three items only.
1. Navy blue sweatpants. These are the first item because they’re the most important. When I go home, the first thing I do is put on navy blue sweatpants. You can’t find a more comfortable piece of clothing. The color is great because you can spill all you want and nobody’s the wiser. All in all, if the uniform doesn’t include navy blue sweatpants, I don’t want the job.
2. A vest. No shirt required. Vests are amazing inventions. They cover up your nipples (which society has decided are unacceptable to see, for some reason) and they’re classy. You want to class up a joint? Throw on a vest. You want to add some more class? Make sure that vest is leather.
3. Comfy slippers. Right after I change into my navy blue sweatpants, I slide on my sheepskin-lined slippers. Talk about comfort! These little puppies make it feel like you’re walking on a field of soft paralyzed sheep – I say paralyzed only so you don’t picture the sheep as moving. If I could wear slippers to work every day, I’d probably start caring about my job.
These three items could change the workplace as we know it. I’m serious, America. Just think about how much more productive we would be as a country if all office-workers wore navy blue sweatpants, vests without shirts, and comfy slippers. We’d be a comfortably dressed productivity superpower, and honestly, isn’t that what all this fighting is about anyway?
So anyway, I heard these noises and got freaked out that the bossman was using his office for a little nighttime nooky with that new chick that sits in Tony’s seat every day. Not wanting to get caught, I dropped down and started to army crawl over to investigate (I got a Private Investigator license so I’m allowed to investigate anything I want, suckers). As luck would have it, there wasn’t anybody in there. Turns out that the noise was coming from inside Michael’s big furniture cabinet thing. So I opened the cabinet door, half expecting a cat to jump out at me. Usually when I open cabinets or closets or anything, cats end up pouncing on me. For some reason, cats find me very attractive.
Nothing jumped out at me, but I could hear the rustling pretty close to the ground, so I bent over and figured out that it was coming from the safe. For a second, I just stared at it, wondering what could be inside. Then I realized that I had been saving up Michael’s safe combo for this very occasion. Well, this occasion and whenever I needed some cash, but that’s beside the point.
I went over to my computer and looked back at my previous entries of this thing. Apparently I wasn’t too good with my record keeping because the numbers were kind of off. I ended up trying out every combo I wrote down and you know what? I didn’t get it right until the very last one I tried. The good news is, I got it open and you’ll never guess what was inside.
No, it wasn’t a cat, smart ass. It was a squirrel! I don’t know for the life of me why that guy had a squirrel in his safe, but I do know that I got me a new pet. And I’m going to train it. Right now I’m calling it Butthead, but I’m open to suggestions for new names if you got any. In just a few months, I’m going to have the best trained squirrel in Pennsylvania. I’m also going to blackmail Michael because I’m pretty sure it’s against the law to lock a squirrel in a safe. False imprisonment or something.
Everything’s coming up Creed!
I want to say I was about four years old when I fell in love with music. My memory’s not great, so it could have been anywhere between four and fourteen, but I think it was closer to four. I was hanging out in an old abandoned car factory in South Carolina and I came across a bunch of old bumpers lying on the ground. At that age, I used to walk around with a bunch of sticks in my back pocket in case I ever needed something to throw. When I saw those bumpers, I don’t know what came over me, but I knew that I had to take out a pair of sticks and start banging away.
From the instant my sticks hit that metal, I was hooked. I pounded out beat after beat, dancing and singing along. I loved it. The music jumped into my body like a venereal disease from a hooker. I stayed in that factory for hours and hours just banging away. The next day, I came back and started right up where I left off. I made up songs about everything: jump ropes, corn, beaver skin hats. Nothing was off limits.
About a week later, I saw an old man playing a beat-up guitar on the street. I watched him for a while, trying to learn what he was doing as I stood there. After about an hour, he said he had to go to the can and asked me to watch his instrument. I gladly agreed. When he left to go to the bathroom, I snatched the guitar and ran all the way to the factory. It was the first thing I had ever stolen and on that day, I said to myself “Music and thieving are going to be the biggest things in your life” and you know what? They still are.
Music has been a part of me ever since. Not a day goes by where I don’t tap out a rhythm or pick up my axe and play a lick or two. If you cut open my veins, I’m fairly certain that quarter notes would come tumbling out. I can’t imagine my life without music and I don’t want to.
I spend a lot of time in the library. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not there for the books. Books are for table balancing and throwing at birds. I go for the air conditioning and the smell. Libraries smell good. It almost makes me want to like books, but not quite. Anyway, there’re a lot of kids at the library -- maybe it’s summer school or something – and these kids talk like I’ve never heard before. It’s like a secret street language and I want in. They say stuff like “that dude got clowned” and “he got that swag when he walks.” I want to know what the hell these kids are talking about, but they won’t tell me. I’ve tried going up to the kids to talk about the phrases, but they get kind of freaked out by me. Just wait until they need an ID – then we’ll see who’s running away and telling the librarians.
Anyway, those jerks won’t tell me anything, so I’m making up my own words and phrases. This is my street dictionary and I’m not even charging for it. Just don’t tell the kids in the library, okay?
Keep it bowlin’ – Everyone likes bowling, so this is a phrase for when you want to tell someone to stay positive. For example, if someone tells you they lost their job, you can just tell them to keep it bowlin’ and that’ll cheer them up.
Ploppers – This means bad. “Did you see that movie last night? It was ploppers.”
Horribly obese – I’m taking this one from the library kids. They say things are fat all the time, so I took it a step further. In this case, it means the most beautiful ever. If a foxy dame comes walking in, you can call her horribly obese. I think it might take some time before it catches on, so use this one with caution because some broads may not have heard it yet and could take it the wrong way.
Willy fingers – Perhaps the hardest to explain, but you get willy fingers when you really want to fight someone. “When my boss was yelling at me, I really started getting willy fingers.” Your fingers start moving real fast and itching because they want to hit something – that’s the willy fingers.
Those kids are going to regret not letting me in on their lingo. My slang’s going to take over the nation and there’s nothing those idiots can do to stop it. Keep it bowlin’, people.
We’re having a party at work tomorrow to celebrate “08/08/08 Day,” which is great because I’ll be able to eat enough that I won’t have to buy food for a week. That’s my favorite part about work parties – they end up saving me a lot of moolah in the long run. I wish they were more fun, though. If I was in charge, we’d be rocking and rolling all night. My parties would go down in history as the best work parties of all time. Here’s a rundown of my perfect party:
We’d start out with a bang, and by that I mean I’d fire off a starter’s pistol so people knew the party actually started. The very first event of the party would be Bobbing for Creed Shots. I’d fill a large kiddie pool with Creed Juice -- a mixture of kool-aid, Pop Rocks, and grain alcohol -- and throw some shot glasses in there. Then everyone has to lean in, grab a shot glass with their mouths, and take the shot. It’s messy but it sure gets things started right. If you’re not drunk after Bobbing for Creed Shots, you’re not playing right.
So after everyone’s good and sauced up, I’d break out the piñatas. The key to piñatas at parties is naming them. If you name them after co-workers, you know people are going to really get into it. I’m not so great with names, so I’d let somebody else do the naming, but trust me, they would all be named. As for filling them, that all depends on the budget. If there’s no dinero for the piñatas, then I’d fill them with dry rice. If there’s a little cash around, then I’d go for hard candy. With hard candy, you get the fun of seeing the piñata burst AND the injuries that go with it.
After piñata time, we’d go straight into the eating contests. I’m partial to deviled eggs for quantity, but I know hot dogs are pretty popular these days, too. I’d compromise and make hot dog omelets for everyone to scarf down. I’m pretty sure I know who’d win, but you never can tell – sometimes the smallest accountants make the biggest eaters.
When the party winds down, I’d do another round of Bobbing for Creed Shots and then send people on their way with Goody Bags. The bags would just be filled with office supplies, but hey, everyone likes a parting gift, right?
They should really make me head of that party committee thing. I’d be amazing.
Why is it so impressive to sleep on a bed of nails? There’s obviously a trick to it that makes it not hurt. I think the real challenge is sleeping in a bed filled with needles. You just know that’s not gonna end well.
I’ve gone for rolls in the hay and it is nothing like sex.
Sometimes I’ll do shots of mouthwash. It gets me a little tipsy and gives me great breath.
I think baseball should introduce a longstop position, just in case the shortstop misses the ball.
Who decided that we needed both North and South Dakota. It seems like a lot of wasted paperwork to me.
Catching flies with your hands is fun, but catching frogs with your feet is a lot more satisfying.
I like to wear two undershirts most days because you never know when you’ll walk into a strip poker game.
I want to open up a bar called “Creed’s Meads” and bring mead back to how popular it was during the American Revolution. It’ll be right between my book store and woodwind instrument shop – Creed’s Reads and Creed’s Reeds.
Why hasn’t anyone built a live-action version of Chutes and Ladders? I’d be first in line to play.
I’ve always thought that shopping carts are just mobile jails for food and all the prisoners are sentenced to death by ingestion. Kind of makes you shop differently, huh?
I’m Batman. At least that’s what I tell women in bars after a few rounds. It’s a great pick-up line because they have no way of knowing if it’s true or not. Sure, they have a 99% chance of knowing that you’re not Batman, but it’s that 1% that gives you the in.
What you’re really looking for is the lady that wants to argue with you about how much you’re not Batman. Those are the broads that end up in bed with you later on yelling “Yes, Batman! Show me your utility belt!” It works every time. It also helps to have a utility belt with you because up until that point, she may still not believe you’re Batman, but when you produce the utility belt, you send her head spinning.
I never used to be good at pick-up lines because I was too direct. “I’d like to be your blanket” works on some chicks, but most of them just slap you and walk away. Don’t get me wrong, I love a good slapping. It’s good for the skin and makes you focus on the task at hand. I’d just rather talk to the woman than get slapped, that’s all. So I had to take a different approach. I’ve heard of new dating advice books where you’re supposed to insult a girl to get her attention, but I think that’s the wrong approach. If I’m not pretending to be Batman, I like to use really impressive facts to get them to talk to me.
I’ll pick out the hottest lady in the bar (or zoo or botanical garden or wherever else I might happen to be) and get her attention with a really loud whisper. Women respond really well to whispers. It’s because they like secrets. So I’ll whisper, “Hey you, come over here” and I’ll look like I’ve got a real big secret to tell them. When they come over, I reach into my bag of facts (not literally) and pull out a good one. “Dolphins are the only animals besides humans that copulate for pleasure.” It works like a charm. Most of the time. Not really. It gets me slapped less, though, so I’m sticking with it.
I’ve been trying something new lately and it’s really put a new spin on how I go through my days. Instead of waking up ten minutes before work and wiping myself down with a damp paper towel, I’ve been waking up really early and going for walks all over town. You’d be amazed at how quiet this place is without people in it. I haven’t felt this peaceful in years.
I went over to Nay Aug Park the other day at around 4am and even the geese were still asleep when I got there. I couldn’t believe my luck. It’s been a dream of mine for years to see how far I could throw a goose and this was the perfect opportunity. I’ve definitely learned that you’ve got to strike fast when dealing with sleeping animals because the element of surprise is your biggest weapon. That old wives’ tale about letting sleeping dogs lie only applies if you don’t have a plan for after you wake up the dog. With geese, it’s the same story. You wake up a goose just for the fun of it, you’ll get pecked like no tomorrow. Their beaks are painful, man. You don’t want to find out first hand.
One of my great joys in life is going to the car wash. Some people may think of it as a hassle, just another chore in their already over-chored lives, but not me. The car wash for me is a wonderful place. It’s where you go to get a new lease on life, or at least a new lease on your scooter. I’m not talking about actual leases – I have no idea how to get a new lease on a scooter. I won mine in a fight. I’m talking about that feeling when you bring in your scooter all caked in mud and whatever other junk might be stuck on there and you ride off with a shiny new-looking scooterino. That’s satisfaction.
You might not have a scooter. You might have a car: the more “traditional” vehicle to take to a car wash. I’m a proud scooter owner and as a proud scooter owner, I like to keep my scooter clean. After all, dirt really shows up on red plastic, you know? So once every month or so in the summer, I take a trip to the place on Moosic and get my wheels all soaped up.
It’s hard to describe the feeling I get at the car wash without sounding dirty (not that that’s ever stopped me before), but I’ll try. It feels a little bit like I’m in the hospital getting a sponge bath from some real foxy nurses. Replace hospital with car wash and real foxy nurses with real burly joes and that’s pretty much what the experience is like. I love to see them get down and dirty with my little scooter. Wipe it down and rinse it off and put so much care into the job. When it comes out of there all gleaming and clean, I feel like I need a smoke.
Look, I’m not a real extravagant guy. I pick fights with extravagant guys. But the car wash is the one place where I can throw down eight bucks once a month and feel like a king. A fella’s got to feel pampered once in a while, you know?
The 4th of July is tomorrow and some would say it’s the greatest American holiday. Not me. I think America Day beats the pants off of the 4th of July.
You may have missed America Day this year because it’s not really well-advertised. It takes place on June 20th and it is a sight to behold. America Day was created by a friend of mine named Samuel Che Emanuel. He’s rail-thin with a haircut that looks oddly as if a woman had her hair cut short like a man. It’s hard to describe, but it’s a feminine masculine haircut, if that makes sense to anyone. He’s a real sparkplug of a guy. Grew up in the wilderness of Colorado with a pet bear. It was a midget bear, so he didn’t have to worry about it eating him or anything. His parents were trappers and lived “off the grid” so to speak, so wildlife pets were nothing new to him.
Anyway, one day, Sammy Che (as we call him) was walking with Midgy (as he called his bear) and stumbled upon a rock formation that looked like an eagle soaring through the air with a flag waving behind it. I’m guessing that Sammy Che was tripping pretty hard that day, so who knows what the rock formation actually looked like. All we know is that Sammy Che returned home and declared that day America Day. When I first met Sammy Che, it was the 20th anniversary of America Day and he showed me how the day is properly celebrated.
I’ve always liked uniforms. When I was a kid, I wore sailor suits every day until I was eight. People called me Captain Crapstick because of how I dressed and the fact that I would carry around a stick with me that I used for poking all sorts of crap. I still have my sailor suit hanging proudly in my closet, but I only break it out when a special lady comes over. It doesn’t fit so well anymore, but I still look darn cute in it.
In my opinion, every job should have a uniform. Fast-food workers, gas station attendants, exterminators, these guys all have it covered already. I’m pushing for the jobs that make you waste time every morning decided what to wear. Take my job, for instance. I know I’m not allowed to wear shorts, because every time I do, I get yelled at. I also can’t wear vests without shirts underneath. So I’m locked into wearing a certain combination of clothing every day, but there are just too many choices. If it were up to me, I’d implement an office worker uniform so you could just wake up every morning, go to your uniform closet, and three seconds later you’re all set.
My uniform would consist of three items and three items only.
1. Navy blue sweatpants. These are the first item because they’re the most important. When I go home, the first thing I do is put on navy blue sweatpants. You can’t find a more comfortable piece of clothing. The color is great because you can spill all you want and nobody’s the wiser. All in all, if the uniform doesn’t include navy blue sweatpants, I don’t want the job.
2. A vest. No shirt required. Vests are amazing inventions. They cover up your nipples (which society has decided are unacceptable to see, for some reason) and they’re classy. You want to class up a joint? Throw on a vest. You want to add some more class? Make sure that vest is leather.
3. Comfy slippers. Right after I change into my navy blue sweatpants, I slide on my sheepskin-lined slippers. Talk about comfort! These little puppies make it feel like you’re walking on a field of soft paralyzed sheep – I say paralyzed only so you don’t picture the sheep as moving. If I could wear slippers to work every day, I’d probably start caring about my job.
These three items could change the workplace as we know it. I’m serious, America. Just think about how much more productive we would be as a country if all office-workers wore navy blue sweatpants, vests without shirts, and comfy slippers. We’d be a comfortably dressed productivity superpower, and honestly, isn’t that what all this fighting is about anyway?
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
RAINN WILSON as Dwight Schrute
RAINN WILSONas Dwight Schrute
Rainn Wilson portrays Dwight Schrute, an eccentric paper salesman whose ego knows no bounds, in the NBC comedy series "The Office."
Wilson was most recently seen on the big screen in Ivan Reitman's comedy, "My Super Ex-Girlfriend," starring with Uma Thurman and Luke Wilson. Wilson's previous film credits include "Sahara" with Matthew McConaughey, Steve Zahn, and Penelope Cruz, "Baadasssss," Steven Soderbergh's "Full Frontal," Cameron Crowe's "Almost Famous," "American Sweethearts," "House of 1,000 Corpses" and "Galaxy Quest."
In addition, Wilson is well known for his recurring role on the television series "Six Feet Under" as Arthur Martin, the odd mortician intern. He has also guest-starred on "CSI," NBC's "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit," "Monk," and several other series.
Wilson's theater career includes performances in two Broadway plays, "London Assurance" and "The Tempest." He has also performed off-Broadway in "The New Bozena," "Plunge," "Venus," "Titus Andronicus" and "Twelfth Night," and regionally at the Guthrie Theatre, the Arena Stage and Dallas Theatre Center. He attended the graduate acting program at New York University.
Wilson currently lives in Los Angeles with his wife, fiction writer Holiday Reinhorn, their young son, Walter, and their two pit bulls, Oona and Harper Lee.
Rainn Wilson portrays Dwight Schrute, an eccentric paper salesman whose ego knows no bounds, in the NBC comedy series "The Office."
Wilson was most recently seen on the big screen in Ivan Reitman's comedy, "My Super Ex-Girlfriend," starring with Uma Thurman and Luke Wilson. Wilson's previous film credits include "Sahara" with Matthew McConaughey, Steve Zahn, and Penelope Cruz, "Baadasssss," Steven Soderbergh's "Full Frontal," Cameron Crowe's "Almost Famous," "American Sweethearts," "House of 1,000 Corpses" and "Galaxy Quest."
In addition, Wilson is well known for his recurring role on the television series "Six Feet Under" as Arthur Martin, the odd mortician intern. He has also guest-starred on "CSI," NBC's "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit," "Monk," and several other series.
Wilson's theater career includes performances in two Broadway plays, "London Assurance" and "The Tempest." He has also performed off-Broadway in "The New Bozena," "Plunge," "Venus," "Titus Andronicus" and "Twelfth Night," and regionally at the Guthrie Theatre, the Arena Stage and Dallas Theatre Center. He attended the graduate acting program at New York University.
Wilson currently lives in Los Angeles with his wife, fiction writer Holiday Reinhorn, their young son, Walter, and their two pit bulls, Oona and Harper Lee.
PHYLLIS SMITH as Phyllis Lapen
PHYLLIS SMITHas Phyllis Lapin
Phyllis Smith portrays customer sales representative Phyllis Lapin on NBC's hit comedy "The Office."
Born and raised in St. Louis, Missouri, Smith is a former St. Louis Cardinal Cheerleader. She got her start in the entertainment industry working for casting agencies with clients such as "Curb Your Enthusiasm," "Arrested Development," "Freaks and Geeks," "Spin City," "Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman," and NBC's pilot of "The Office." She was working for Allison Jones casting during the pilot screen testing for "The Office" when the show's executive producers were so impressed with her line readings that they decided to create the role of Phyllis for her in the pilot. She is now a series regular.
Her additional acting credits include "Arrested Development," the box office comedy hit "The 40 Year-Old Virgin" and the soon to be released independent film "I Want to Eat Cheese with Someone."
Smith received full scholarships in dance from Kansas University and Tulsa University where she attended during high school and college. She studied with Marjorie Mendolia of the San Carlo Opera Company for ballet and tap, and eventually became a teacher. Smith was a ballet dancer with the St. Louis Civic Ballet and the St. Louis Dance Theater and a professional jazz dancer under Raoul Appel.
She holds a bachelor's degree in elementary education from the University of Missouri, St. Louis. She has toured the country as a dancer with a vaudeville burlesque show, Able's Baggy Pants Burlesque and the Mercer Brother's show Giggles Galore, not only as a dancer, but as a comic skit performer.
In addition to her love of dance, Smith has worked various odd jobs to pay the bills. She was a pre-school teacher for three years, a J.C. Penney's warehouse worker, a movie theater ticket taker, and a receptionist for an aerospace defense company, where she earned the coveted "Employee of the Year" award.
Smith has been a Screen Actors Guild (SAG) member for more than eighteen years. She currently lives in Los Angeles.
Phyllis Smith portrays customer sales representative Phyllis Lapin on NBC's hit comedy "The Office."
Born and raised in St. Louis, Missouri, Smith is a former St. Louis Cardinal Cheerleader. She got her start in the entertainment industry working for casting agencies with clients such as "Curb Your Enthusiasm," "Arrested Development," "Freaks and Geeks," "Spin City," "Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman," and NBC's pilot of "The Office." She was working for Allison Jones casting during the pilot screen testing for "The Office" when the show's executive producers were so impressed with her line readings that they decided to create the role of Phyllis for her in the pilot. She is now a series regular.
Her additional acting credits include "Arrested Development," the box office comedy hit "The 40 Year-Old Virgin" and the soon to be released independent film "I Want to Eat Cheese with Someone."
Smith received full scholarships in dance from Kansas University and Tulsa University where she attended during high school and college. She studied with Marjorie Mendolia of the San Carlo Opera Company for ballet and tap, and eventually became a teacher. Smith was a ballet dancer with the St. Louis Civic Ballet and the St. Louis Dance Theater and a professional jazz dancer under Raoul Appel.
She holds a bachelor's degree in elementary education from the University of Missouri, St. Louis. She has toured the country as a dancer with a vaudeville burlesque show, Able's Baggy Pants Burlesque and the Mercer Brother's show Giggles Galore, not only as a dancer, but as a comic skit performer.
In addition to her love of dance, Smith has worked various odd jobs to pay the bills. She was a pre-school teacher for three years, a J.C. Penney's warehouse worker, a movie theater ticket taker, and a receptionist for an aerospace defense company, where she earned the coveted "Employee of the Year" award.
Smith has been a Screen Actors Guild (SAG) member for more than eighteen years. She currently lives in Los Angeles.
CRAIG ROBINSON as Darryl Philbin
CRAIG ROBINSONas Darryl Philbin
Craig Robinson stars as Dunder-Mifflin warehouse manager, Darryl, in NBC's hit comedy "The Office."
Robinson previously starred on the series "Lucky" with John Corbett. He has guest starred on numerous TV shows, including NBC's "Friends," "Bernie Mac" and "Curb Your Enthusiasm."
Robinson can also be seen in Tyler Perry's film "Daddy's Little Girl," the recently released film "Knocked Up," and in "D-War." In addition, Robinson recently wrapped shooting the lead role in Judd Apatow's, "Pineapple Express."
Robinson has also performed on late night, including "The Jimmy Kimmel Show," "Sketchpad" and "Real Time with Bill Maher."
Robinson first shined at the 1998 Montreal "Just For Laughs" Festival, which led to a development deal at Fox Broadcasting Company. Robinson also won the 1998 Oakland Comedy Festival as well as the Miller Genuine Draft 1996 Comedy Search.
He attributes his wit, charm and comedic gifts first to family, and then to the days when imitating Richard Nixon brought laughter to everyone. His first real taste of performing was in college, where the extraordinary material, delivery and commanding stage presence, was developed. Robinson had a gift, and the Chicago comedy clubs took notice, as audiences raved about this fresh, about-face comedy.
Robinson hopes to follow in the footsteps of previous Montreal, Oakland and Miller Genuine Draft performers including Jay Leno, Jamie Foxx, Ray Romano and D.L. Hughley.
Craig Robinson stars as Dunder-Mifflin warehouse manager, Darryl, in NBC's hit comedy "The Office."
Robinson previously starred on the series "Lucky" with John Corbett. He has guest starred on numerous TV shows, including NBC's "Friends," "Bernie Mac" and "Curb Your Enthusiasm."
Robinson can also be seen in Tyler Perry's film "Daddy's Little Girl," the recently released film "Knocked Up," and in "D-War." In addition, Robinson recently wrapped shooting the lead role in Judd Apatow's, "Pineapple Express."
Robinson has also performed on late night, including "The Jimmy Kimmel Show," "Sketchpad" and "Real Time with Bill Maher."
Robinson first shined at the 1998 Montreal "Just For Laughs" Festival, which led to a development deal at Fox Broadcasting Company. Robinson also won the 1998 Oakland Comedy Festival as well as the Miller Genuine Draft 1996 Comedy Search.
He attributes his wit, charm and comedic gifts first to family, and then to the days when imitating Richard Nixon brought laughter to everyone. His first real taste of performing was in college, where the extraordinary material, delivery and commanding stage presence, was developed. Robinson had a gift, and the Chicago comedy clubs took notice, as audiences raved about this fresh, about-face comedy.
Robinson hopes to follow in the footsteps of previous Montreal, Oakland and Miller Genuine Draft performers including Jay Leno, Jamie Foxx, Ray Romano and D.L. Hughley.
OSCAR NUÑEZ as Oscar Martinez
OSCAR NUÑEZas Oscar Martinez
Oscar Nuñez portrays Dunder Mifflin paper supply accountant Oscar Martinez on NBC's "The Office."
Born in Cuba and raised in Union City, New Jersey, Nuñez started his comedy career by joining the Shock of the Funny improv troupe in New York. The troupe performed in the East Village for several years. Nuñez performed in theatre in New York and Washington D.C. before moving to Los Angeles in the mid 1990's, where he joined the Groundlings Theatre Company and performed in their Sunday Company.
Nuñez's television credits include "Malcolm in the Middle," "24," "Curb Your Enthusiasm," "Reno 911," "The District" and "Mad TV." Most recently, Nuñez created and sold a television pilot to Comedy Central titled "Halfway Home." In film, he has appeared in "The Italian Job," "Reno 911: Miami," and "When Do We Eat?"
Having attended various colleges in New York such as F.I.T for fashion and Parsons School of Design for writing, Nuñez became a certified dental technician from Magna Institute of Dental Technology.
Nuñez currently lives in Los Angeles with his wife Carla and their mini-Schnauzer named Lila. His birth date is November 18.
Oscar Nuñez portrays Dunder Mifflin paper supply accountant Oscar Martinez on NBC's "The Office."
Born in Cuba and raised in Union City, New Jersey, Nuñez started his comedy career by joining the Shock of the Funny improv troupe in New York. The troupe performed in the East Village for several years. Nuñez performed in theatre in New York and Washington D.C. before moving to Los Angeles in the mid 1990's, where he joined the Groundlings Theatre Company and performed in their Sunday Company.
Nuñez's television credits include "Malcolm in the Middle," "24," "Curb Your Enthusiasm," "Reno 911," "The District" and "Mad TV." Most recently, Nuñez created and sold a television pilot to Comedy Central titled "Halfway Home." In film, he has appeared in "The Italian Job," "Reno 911: Miami," and "When Do We Eat?"
Having attended various colleges in New York such as F.I.T for fashion and Parsons School of Design for writing, Nuñez became a certified dental technician from Magna Institute of Dental Technology.
Nuñez currently lives in Los Angeles with his wife Carla and their mini-Schnauzer named Lila. His birth date is November 18.
B.J. NOVAK as Ryan Howard
B.J. NOVAKas Ryan Howard/Writer/Co-Executive Producer
B.J. Novak is an actor, writer, and comedian, best known for his contributions to NBC's Emmy Award winning comedy, "The Office." In addition to starring as Ryan, the temp-turned-boss-turned-temp, Novak is also a co-executive producer for the hit series and has written many of the show's most memorable episodes, including "Diversity Day," "Sexual Harassment," "The Fire," "Initation," "Boys and Girls," "Chair Model," "Safety Training," "Dream Team," and "Local Ad."
Novak can be seen in the highly anticipated World War II epic "Inglourious Basterds" from director Quentin Tarantino and starring Brad Pitt.
Prior to the success of "The Office," Novak gained recognition for his improvised performances on the MTV hit Punk'd. His role as Hilary Duff's driving instructor remains one of the most well-known of the series. Previous credits also include a dramatic turn in "Reign Over Me," with Adam Sandler and Don Cheadle, and an appearance in "Knocked Up," directed by Judd Apatow.
First discovered as a stand-up comedian, Novak continues to perform live and has become known as one of the most original and popular new voices in comedy. He has performed on Comedy Central and Late Night with Conan O'Brien, as well as sold out live shows at theaters throughout the country and at clubs such as Caroline's on Broadway and the Hollywood Improv. In November 2008, his show B.J. Novak and Friends at Town Hall served as the closing night of the New York Comedy Festival.
Novak currently resides in Los Angeles.
B.J. Novak is an actor, writer, and comedian, best known for his contributions to NBC's Emmy Award winning comedy, "The Office." In addition to starring as Ryan, the temp-turned-boss-turned-temp, Novak is also a co-executive producer for the hit series and has written many of the show's most memorable episodes, including "Diversity Day," "Sexual Harassment," "The Fire," "Initation," "Boys and Girls," "Chair Model," "Safety Training," "Dream Team," and "Local Ad."
Novak can be seen in the highly anticipated World War II epic "Inglourious Basterds" from director Quentin Tarantino and starring Brad Pitt.
Prior to the success of "The Office," Novak gained recognition for his improvised performances on the MTV hit Punk'd. His role as Hilary Duff's driving instructor remains one of the most well-known of the series. Previous credits also include a dramatic turn in "Reign Over Me," with Adam Sandler and Don Cheadle, and an appearance in "Knocked Up," directed by Judd Apatow.
First discovered as a stand-up comedian, Novak continues to perform live and has become known as one of the most original and popular new voices in comedy. He has performed on Comedy Central and Late Night with Conan O'Brien, as well as sold out live shows at theaters throughout the country and at clubs such as Caroline's on Broadway and the Hollywood Improv. In November 2008, his show B.J. Novak and Friends at Town Hall served as the closing night of the New York Comedy Festival.
Novak currently resides in Los Angeles.
PAUL LIEBERSTEIN as Toby Flenderson
PAUL LIEBERSTEINas Toby Flenderson/Writer/Co-Executive Producer
Paul Lieberstein plays Toby Flenderson, human resources employee at Dunder Mifflin and a constant thorn in the side of Michael Scott on "The Office." Lieberstein is also a writer and co-executive producer on the show, writing several memorable episodes including "The Coup," "Dwight's Speech," "The Carpet," "The Client" and "Health Care."
Lieberstein, winner of two Emmy Awards, began his career in television as a writer on the series "Clarissa Explains It All," followed by "Weird Science" and the sitcom "The Naked Truth." In 1997, he became a producer and writer on the popular animated sitcom "King of the Hill."
Additional writing and co-executive producing credits include "The Drew Carey Show" and "The Bernie Mac Show," as well as a writing credit on the short-lived series "Greg the Bunny."
Lieberstein was hired as a writer and co-executive producer for "The Office" and then won his first on-screen role as the cool-headed human resources worker Toby Flenderson on the series.
He is a graduate of Hamilton College in Clinton, New York and currently resides in Los Angeles.
Paul Lieberstein plays Toby Flenderson, human resources employee at Dunder Mifflin and a constant thorn in the side of Michael Scott on "The Office." Lieberstein is also a writer and co-executive producer on the show, writing several memorable episodes including "The Coup," "Dwight's Speech," "The Carpet," "The Client" and "Health Care."
Lieberstein, winner of two Emmy Awards, began his career in television as a writer on the series "Clarissa Explains It All," followed by "Weird Science" and the sitcom "The Naked Truth." In 1997, he became a producer and writer on the popular animated sitcom "King of the Hill."
Additional writing and co-executive producing credits include "The Drew Carey Show" and "The Bernie Mac Show," as well as a writing credit on the short-lived series "Greg the Bunny."
Lieberstein was hired as a writer and co-executive producer for "The Office" and then won his first on-screen role as the cool-headed human resources worker Toby Flenderson on the series.
He is a graduate of Hamilton College in Clinton, New York and currently resides in Los Angeles.
JOHN KRASINSKI as Jim Halpert
JOHN KRASINSKIas Jim Halpert
John Krasinski portrays sales rep Jim Halpert on NBC's hit comedy "The Office."
Krasinski recently starred opposite Maya Rudolph in the comedy "Away We Go," directed by Sam Mendes. Krasinski will next be seen starring alongside Meryl Streep, Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin in "It's Complicated," which releases on December 25th.
Also a gifted writer, Krasinski adapted the David Foster Wallace book "Brief Interviews with Hideous Men" and directed his adaptation in an independently financed feature last fall. The film was recently acquired by IFC and will be released through IFC in theaters on September 25th. The film stars Julianne Nicholson as a graduate student who is coping with a recent breakup by conducting probing and revealing interviews with various men. The illustrious cast also includes Will Arnett, Dominic Cooper, Bobby Cannavale, Timothy Hutton, Josh Charles, Dominic Cooper, Timothy Hutton, Christopher Meloni, Max Minghella, Lou Taylor Pucci and Ben Shenkman among others.
Krasinski's feature film credits include George Clooney's "Leatherheads," "Monsters vs. Aliens," "Shrek the Third," Ken Kwapis' "License to Wed," Gregg Araki's "Smiley Face," Christopher Guest's "For Your Consideration," Nancy Meyers' "The Holiday," Bill Condon's "Dreamgirls" and "Kinsey," Sam Mendes' "Jarhead" starring Jake Gyllenhaal, "Duane Hopwood" and the animated film "Doogal," in which Krasinski voiced three characters.
Among Krasinski's additional television credits are appearances on NBC's "Law & Order: Criminal Intent," "Ed," and "Without a Trace."
Krasinski graduated from Brown University as an honors playwright and later studied at the National Theater Institute. Born and raised in Newton, Mass., Krasinski currently resides in Los Angeles.
John Krasinski portrays sales rep Jim Halpert on NBC's hit comedy "The Office."
Krasinski recently starred opposite Maya Rudolph in the comedy "Away We Go," directed by Sam Mendes. Krasinski will next be seen starring alongside Meryl Streep, Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin in "It's Complicated," which releases on December 25th.
Also a gifted writer, Krasinski adapted the David Foster Wallace book "Brief Interviews with Hideous Men" and directed his adaptation in an independently financed feature last fall. The film was recently acquired by IFC and will be released through IFC in theaters on September 25th. The film stars Julianne Nicholson as a graduate student who is coping with a recent breakup by conducting probing and revealing interviews with various men. The illustrious cast also includes Will Arnett, Dominic Cooper, Bobby Cannavale, Timothy Hutton, Josh Charles, Dominic Cooper, Timothy Hutton, Christopher Meloni, Max Minghella, Lou Taylor Pucci and Ben Shenkman among others.
Krasinski's feature film credits include George Clooney's "Leatherheads," "Monsters vs. Aliens," "Shrek the Third," Ken Kwapis' "License to Wed," Gregg Araki's "Smiley Face," Christopher Guest's "For Your Consideration," Nancy Meyers' "The Holiday," Bill Condon's "Dreamgirls" and "Kinsey," Sam Mendes' "Jarhead" starring Jake Gyllenhaal, "Duane Hopwood" and the animated film "Doogal," in which Krasinski voiced three characters.
Among Krasinski's additional television credits are appearances on NBC's "Law & Order: Criminal Intent," "Ed," and "Without a Trace."
Krasinski graduated from Brown University as an honors playwright and later studied at the National Theater Institute. Born and raised in Newton, Mass., Krasinski currently resides in Los Angeles.
ANGELA KINSEY as Angela Martin
ANGELA KINSEYas Angela Martin
Broadband Emmy winner Angela Kinsey portrays the feisty, tightly-wound head of accounting "Angela Martin" on NBC's critically acclaimed show "The Office."
Kinsey's television credits include, "All of Us," "Run of the House," "King of the Hill," "Mad TV," "Mind of Mencia" and "Monk". Her film credits include "License to Wed," with John Krasinski and Mandy Moore and can be seen in the upcoming "Furry Vengeance" opposite Brendan Fraser."
Kinsey has been a member of The Improv Olympic Theater for the last nine years and continues to perform in their notorious "The Armando Show". As a struggling actress, Kinsey worked as an operator for 1-800-Dentist, and often draws upon her days in corporate America for her scenes in "The Office"."
Recently appointed the new face of Clairol, Kinsey can be followed on her site "Adventures with Angela" located at NBC.com."
Originally from Texas, Kinsey grew up in Jakarta, Indonesia, and still speaks the language. A graduate of Baylor University, Angela currently lives in Los Angeles.
Broadband Emmy winner Angela Kinsey portrays the feisty, tightly-wound head of accounting "Angela Martin" on NBC's critically acclaimed show "The Office."
Kinsey's television credits include, "All of Us," "Run of the House," "King of the Hill," "Mad TV," "Mind of Mencia" and "Monk". Her film credits include "License to Wed," with John Krasinski and Mandy Moore and can be seen in the upcoming "Furry Vengeance" opposite Brendan Fraser."
Kinsey has been a member of The Improv Olympic Theater for the last nine years and continues to perform in their notorious "The Armando Show". As a struggling actress, Kinsey worked as an operator for 1-800-Dentist, and often draws upon her days in corporate America for her scenes in "The Office"."
Recently appointed the new face of Clairol, Kinsey can be followed on her site "Adventures with Angela" located at NBC.com."
Originally from Texas, Kinsey grew up in Jakarta, Indonesia, and still speaks the language. A graduate of Baylor University, Angela currently lives in Los Angeles.
ELLIE KEMPER as Erin Hannon
Ellie KEMPERasKellie "Erin" Hannon
Ellie Kemper portrays the newest member of the Dunder Mifflin staff as the naïve receptionist Kellie Erin Hannon on NBC's "The Office."
Kemper first gained attention with her one-woman show, "Feeling Sad/Mad," at the Upright Citizens Brigade and has worked with the popular publications The Onion and McSweeney's.
In film, Kemper will co-star in the upcoming Nicholas Stoller comedy "Get Him to the Greek" and Sofia Coppola's "Somewhere."
Originally from St. Louis, Missouri, Kemper attended Princeton University and divides her time between in New York and Los Angeles. Ellie Kemper portrays the newest member of the Dunder Mifflin staff as the naïve receptionist Kellie Erin Hannon on NBC's "The Office."
Ellie Kemper portrays the newest member of the Dunder Mifflin staff as the naïve receptionist Kellie Erin Hannon on NBC's "The Office."
Kemper first gained attention with her one-woman show, "Feeling Sad/Mad," at the Upright Citizens Brigade and has worked with the popular publications The Onion and McSweeney's.
In film, Kemper will co-star in the upcoming Nicholas Stoller comedy "Get Him to the Greek" and Sofia Coppola's "Somewhere."
Originally from St. Louis, Missouri, Kemper attended Princeton University and divides her time between in New York and Los Angeles. Ellie Kemper portrays the newest member of the Dunder Mifflin staff as the naïve receptionist Kellie Erin Hannon on NBC's "The Office."
MINDY KALING as Kelly Kapoor
MINDY KALINGas Kelly Kapoor
Mindy Kaling stars, writes and produces the critically acclaimed and Emmy Award winning NBC show "The Office." Additionally, Kaling has a two-year development deal with NBC Universal, making her a triple threat to reckon with in Hollywood.
Kaling is currently filming the sixth season of "The Office," where she portrays the chatty, bubbly and celebrity obsessed Kelly Kapoor. Kaling has written over 12 episodes including "Hot Girl," "The Dundies," "Take Your Daughter to Work Day" and "The Injury".
"The Office" has been nominated and won multiple awards including: Writers Guild of America Awards, Television Critics Association Awards, Screen Actors Guild Awards, Golden Globe Awards and Emmy Awards. Kaling was singled out when she was nominated for a 2008 Image Award in the "Outstanding Writing in a Comedy Series" category for "The Office" episode "Branch Wars."
Kaling was last seen on the big screen opposite Ben Stiller and Amy Adams in "Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian." She made her film debut as the object of Paul Rudd's unwanted affections in the Judd Apatow directed comedy "The 40-Year Old Virgin."
Kaling's other television credits include playing Richard Lewis's assistant on the critically acclaimed and Emmy nominated comedy series "Curb Your Enthusiasm." She was also a guest writer on "Saturday Night Live" and in 2007; her standup comedy was featured on the CD "Comedy Death-Ray."
Kaling is no stranger to the stage, she co-wrote and co-starred in the hit off-Broadway play "Matt & Ben," which won the New York International Fringe Festival's "Best Play" prize and went on to be a featured selection at the 2003 U.S. Comedy Arts Festival in Aspen. The play was on Rolling Stone's "Hot List" for "Hot Play" and was listed as one of Time Magazine's "Top Ten Theatrical Events" of 2003.
Kaling has been featured in Entertainment Weekly's list of the "10 Funniest Actresses in Hollywood," Rolling Stone's "Hot List" as "Hot Hyphenate" in 2007 for writing and acting on "The Office," and in 2009 for "Hot Network Hope" for her deal with NBC. She was most recently featured as one of Daily Variety's "10 Screenwriters to Watch."
She is from Cambridge, Massachusetts and currently resides in Los Angeles.
Mindy Kaling stars, writes and produces the critically acclaimed and Emmy Award winning NBC show "The Office." Additionally, Kaling has a two-year development deal with NBC Universal, making her a triple threat to reckon with in Hollywood.
Kaling is currently filming the sixth season of "The Office," where she portrays the chatty, bubbly and celebrity obsessed Kelly Kapoor. Kaling has written over 12 episodes including "Hot Girl," "The Dundies," "Take Your Daughter to Work Day" and "The Injury".
"The Office" has been nominated and won multiple awards including: Writers Guild of America Awards, Television Critics Association Awards, Screen Actors Guild Awards, Golden Globe Awards and Emmy Awards. Kaling was singled out when she was nominated for a 2008 Image Award in the "Outstanding Writing in a Comedy Series" category for "The Office" episode "Branch Wars."
Kaling was last seen on the big screen opposite Ben Stiller and Amy Adams in "Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian." She made her film debut as the object of Paul Rudd's unwanted affections in the Judd Apatow directed comedy "The 40-Year Old Virgin."
Kaling's other television credits include playing Richard Lewis's assistant on the critically acclaimed and Emmy nominated comedy series "Curb Your Enthusiasm." She was also a guest writer on "Saturday Night Live" and in 2007; her standup comedy was featured on the CD "Comedy Death-Ray."
Kaling is no stranger to the stage, she co-wrote and co-starred in the hit off-Broadway play "Matt & Ben," which won the New York International Fringe Festival's "Best Play" prize and went on to be a featured selection at the 2003 U.S. Comedy Arts Festival in Aspen. The play was on Rolling Stone's "Hot List" for "Hot Play" and was listed as one of Time Magazine's "Top Ten Theatrical Events" of 2003.
Kaling has been featured in Entertainment Weekly's list of the "10 Funniest Actresses in Hollywood," Rolling Stone's "Hot List" as "Hot Hyphenate" in 2007 for writing and acting on "The Office," and in 2009 for "Hot Network Hope" for her deal with NBC. She was most recently featured as one of Daily Variety's "10 Screenwriters to Watch."
She is from Cambridge, Massachusetts and currently resides in Los Angeles.
ED HELMS as Andy Bernard
ED HELMSas Andy Bernard
Ed Helms stars as Dunder Mifflin's irrepressible salesman-with-anger-management-issues, Andy Bernard, on NBC's hit comedy "The Office."
The show won the Emmy for Outstanding Comedy Series in 2006, the SAG Award for Outstanding Ensemble in a Comedy Series in 2007 and 2008 and was nominated for a Golden Globe Award for Best Television Series - Musical or Comedy in 2007 and an Emmy for Outstanding Comedy Series in 2007.
Next on the big screen, Helms stars in the comedy "Meet Dave" opposite Eddie Murphy and Elizabeth Banks. Directed by Brian Robbins, the film follows a crew of miniature aliens operating a spaceship that has a human form. The film will open on July 11, 2008.
Most recently, he wrapped the comedy "The Goods: The Don Ready Story," directed by Neal Brennan. The film revolves around salesman Don Ready (Jeremy Piven) and his crew who are asked to help save an ailing local car dealership from bankruptcy. Paramount Vantage will release the film in October.
Also a talented writer, Helms is currently developing the film "A Whole New Hugh" with Judd Apatow for Universal. He will star in and co-write the project with Jake Fleisher and Ian Berger. The film follows the story of three guys who try to boost their friend's confidence by making him appear to be successful.
Helms is perhaps most familiar to television audiences from his four-year stint as a Senior Correspondent on the Emmy Award-winning "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart," for which he also wrote. His additional TV credits include Comedy Central's "Premium Blend" and the Emmy-winning comedy "Arrested Development."
Helms' feature film credits include "Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay," "Semi-Pro," "Walk Hard," "Evan Almighty," and "Knocked Up."
Helms was born and raised in Atlanta, Ga., and headed to New York City to pursue comedy shortly after attending Oberlin College in Ohio. He got his start in acting and comedy as a writer and performer with numerous sketch comedy groups over the years and studied improvisation with "The Upright Citizens Brigade." He currently resides in Los Angeles and plays a mean banjo.
Ed Helms stars as Dunder Mifflin's irrepressible salesman-with-anger-management-issues, Andy Bernard, on NBC's hit comedy "The Office."
The show won the Emmy for Outstanding Comedy Series in 2006, the SAG Award for Outstanding Ensemble in a Comedy Series in 2007 and 2008 and was nominated for a Golden Globe Award for Best Television Series - Musical or Comedy in 2007 and an Emmy for Outstanding Comedy Series in 2007.
Next on the big screen, Helms stars in the comedy "Meet Dave" opposite Eddie Murphy and Elizabeth Banks. Directed by Brian Robbins, the film follows a crew of miniature aliens operating a spaceship that has a human form. The film will open on July 11, 2008.
Most recently, he wrapped the comedy "The Goods: The Don Ready Story," directed by Neal Brennan. The film revolves around salesman Don Ready (Jeremy Piven) and his crew who are asked to help save an ailing local car dealership from bankruptcy. Paramount Vantage will release the film in October.
Also a talented writer, Helms is currently developing the film "A Whole New Hugh" with Judd Apatow for Universal. He will star in and co-write the project with Jake Fleisher and Ian Berger. The film follows the story of three guys who try to boost their friend's confidence by making him appear to be successful.
Helms is perhaps most familiar to television audiences from his four-year stint as a Senior Correspondent on the Emmy Award-winning "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart," for which he also wrote. His additional TV credits include Comedy Central's "Premium Blend" and the Emmy-winning comedy "Arrested Development."
Helms' feature film credits include "Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay," "Semi-Pro," "Walk Hard," "Evan Almighty," and "Knocked Up."
Helms was born and raised in Atlanta, Ga., and headed to New York City to pursue comedy shortly after attending Oberlin College in Ohio. He got his start in acting and comedy as a writer and performer with numerous sketch comedy groups over the years and studied improvisation with "The Upright Citizens Brigade." He currently resides in Los Angeles and plays a mean banjo.
KATE FLANNERY as Meredith Palmer
KATE FLANNERYas Meredith Palmer
Kate Flannery portrays Dunder Mifflin paper supply customer relations representative Meredith Palmer on NBC's "The Office."
Flannery's other television appearances include "The Bernie Mac Show," "Boomtown," "Curb Your Enthusiasm," "Jimmy Kimmel Live," Comedy Central's "Cross Balls," and she was the voice of "Lucy" in a Robert Smigel cartoon on "Saturday Night Live."
Her comedy lounge act "the Lampshades (www.theLampshades.com)" ran in Hollywood at the Improv Olympic West stage for over four years and was featured at the U.S. Comedy Arts Festival in Aspen. In addition, Flannery played Neely O'Hara in the Off Broadway hit "Valley of the Dolls" at NYC's Circle in the Square and LA's Bing Theatre, and is part of the DVD extras in the upcoming film release of "Valley of the Dolls." A former member of Second City's National Tour Co., she is an original member of Chicago's Annoyance Theater where she created over 15 shows, including "the Miss Vagina Pageant" and "the Real Live Brady Bunch," which played over 30 cities and the Kennedy Center. Recently, Los Angeles audiences saw Flannery as a teen prostitute/Blair's sister in the "Phacts of Life" at the Renberg Theatre and in the Lily Tomlin / Jane Wagner production of "Hildy, Hildy, Three Feet Under" at the Evidence Room.
Flannery can be heard on the local Air America radio show "Ravenhurst." She performed with John Flansburgh's (They Might Be Giants) band Mono Puff, and she is featured on their album, "It's Fun To Steal."
She is the musical director of the Los Angeles Drama Club (teaching Shakespeare to 5 to 8 year olds).
Flannery graduated from the University of the Arts in Philadelphia where her family owns a bar.
Kate Flannery portrays Dunder Mifflin paper supply customer relations representative Meredith Palmer on NBC's "The Office."
Flannery's other television appearances include "The Bernie Mac Show," "Boomtown," "Curb Your Enthusiasm," "Jimmy Kimmel Live," Comedy Central's "Cross Balls," and she was the voice of "Lucy" in a Robert Smigel cartoon on "Saturday Night Live."
Her comedy lounge act "the Lampshades (www.theLampshades.com)" ran in Hollywood at the Improv Olympic West stage for over four years and was featured at the U.S. Comedy Arts Festival in Aspen. In addition, Flannery played Neely O'Hara in the Off Broadway hit "Valley of the Dolls" at NYC's Circle in the Square and LA's Bing Theatre, and is part of the DVD extras in the upcoming film release of "Valley of the Dolls." A former member of Second City's National Tour Co., she is an original member of Chicago's Annoyance Theater where she created over 15 shows, including "the Miss Vagina Pageant" and "the Real Live Brady Bunch," which played over 30 cities and the Kennedy Center. Recently, Los Angeles audiences saw Flannery as a teen prostitute/Blair's sister in the "Phacts of Life" at the Renberg Theatre and in the Lily Tomlin / Jane Wagner production of "Hildy, Hildy, Three Feet Under" at the Evidence Room.
Flannery can be heard on the local Air America radio show "Ravenhurst." She performed with John Flansburgh's (They Might Be Giants) band Mono Puff, and she is featured on their album, "It's Fun To Steal."
She is the musical director of the Los Angeles Drama Club (teaching Shakespeare to 5 to 8 year olds).
Flannery graduated from the University of the Arts in Philadelphia where her family owns a bar.
JENNA FISCHER as Pam Beesly
JENNA FISCHERas Pam Beesly
Jenna Fischer has consistently won raves from fans and critics for her role as Pam Beesly, on NBC's hit comedy "The Office." The series, which is entering its 6th season, won the 2006 Emmy for Best Comedy Series and in 2007, Fischer earned her first Emmy nomination for Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series.
Fischer recently wrapped production on two films, Millennium Films' "Solitary Man" opposite Michael Douglas, Susan Sarandon and Mary-Louise Parker and the indie dramedy "A Little Help," which she stars in opposite Chris O'Donnell as a recently widowed, single mom who reconnects with an old flame, who happens to be her sister's husband.
Fischer has starred in numerous feature films over the past couple of years. Most recently she co-starred opposite John C. Reilly and Sean William Scott in Dimension Films' "The Promotion" and in the satirical bio-pic "Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story" from producer/writer Judd Apatow. In 2007 she co-starred in the Dreamworks hit figure skating comedy "Blades of Glory" with Will Ferrell, Amy Poehler and Will Arnett. Additional feature-film credits include, "The Brothers Solomon" opposite Will Arnett and Will Forte, "Employee of the Month," "Lucky 13," "The Specials," and the horror movie "Slither."
Past television credits include a recurring role on "Six Feet Under," and guest-starring roles on "That '70s Show," "Cold Case," "Miss Match," "Strong Medicine," "What I Like About You," "Off Centre," "Undeclared" and "Spin City."
Fischer also wrote and directed the feature film "Lollilove," starring herself, Linda Cardellini, Judy Greer, and director, James Gunn. As a result, Fischer was awarded the Screen Actors Guild Emerging Actor Award at the St. Louis Film Festival. In addition, she received the Tromadance Independent Soul Award at the American Film Market.
Fischer was raised in St. Louis and much like her character Pam, she has a talent for administrative work and toiled for many years as both a receptionist and administrative assistant. She can type 85 words per minute with 90 percent accuracy.
A former volunteer with the animal rescue organization Kitten Rescue as a foster parent for sick and injured cats, Fischer has a passion for animals. She currently lives in Los Angeles and is engaged to writer Lee Kirk.
Jenna Fischer has consistently won raves from fans and critics for her role as Pam Beesly, on NBC's hit comedy "The Office." The series, which is entering its 6th season, won the 2006 Emmy for Best Comedy Series and in 2007, Fischer earned her first Emmy nomination for Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series.
Fischer recently wrapped production on two films, Millennium Films' "Solitary Man" opposite Michael Douglas, Susan Sarandon and Mary-Louise Parker and the indie dramedy "A Little Help," which she stars in opposite Chris O'Donnell as a recently widowed, single mom who reconnects with an old flame, who happens to be her sister's husband.
Fischer has starred in numerous feature films over the past couple of years. Most recently she co-starred opposite John C. Reilly and Sean William Scott in Dimension Films' "The Promotion" and in the satirical bio-pic "Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story" from producer/writer Judd Apatow. In 2007 she co-starred in the Dreamworks hit figure skating comedy "Blades of Glory" with Will Ferrell, Amy Poehler and Will Arnett. Additional feature-film credits include, "The Brothers Solomon" opposite Will Arnett and Will Forte, "Employee of the Month," "Lucky 13," "The Specials," and the horror movie "Slither."
Past television credits include a recurring role on "Six Feet Under," and guest-starring roles on "That '70s Show," "Cold Case," "Miss Match," "Strong Medicine," "What I Like About You," "Off Centre," "Undeclared" and "Spin City."
Fischer also wrote and directed the feature film "Lollilove," starring herself, Linda Cardellini, Judy Greer, and director, James Gunn. As a result, Fischer was awarded the Screen Actors Guild Emerging Actor Award at the St. Louis Film Festival. In addition, she received the Tromadance Independent Soul Award at the American Film Market.
Fischer was raised in St. Louis and much like her character Pam, she has a talent for administrative work and toiled for many years as both a receptionist and administrative assistant. She can type 85 words per minute with 90 percent accuracy.
A former volunteer with the animal rescue organization Kitten Rescue as a foster parent for sick and injured cats, Fischer has a passion for animals. She currently lives in Los Angeles and is engaged to writer Lee Kirk.
LESLIE DAVID BAKER as Stanley Hudson
LESLIE DAVID BAKERas Stanley Hudson
Leslie David Baker portrays Dunder Mifflin Paper salesman Stanley Hudson on NBC's "The Office."
Baker's television credits include recurring roles in "Malcolm in the Middle" and "The Guardian," and has guest starred in "Scrubs," "That 70's Show," "Judging Amy," "Just Shoot Me," "Elizabethtown," and "Road to Redemption." In addition, Baker has appeared in numerous national commercials, feature films and stage productions.
Before Baker got his big break in Hollywood, he worked in various Chicago City departments such as the Department of Health (AIDS Program and Policy), Office of Cable and Communications and the Board of Education. Baker also served as a consultant for the U.S. Department of Health and Centers for Disease Control, Academy of Educational Development, American Red Cross, and the Illinois State Attorney's Office Health Task Force.
Baker was born in Chicago, Illinois and holds a B.S. in Psychology from Loyola University Chicago and a M.S. in Human Services Administration from Spertus College of Judaica Chicago.
Baker currently lives in Los Angeles. His birthday is February 19.
Leslie David Baker portrays Dunder Mifflin Paper salesman Stanley Hudson on NBC's "The Office."
Baker's television credits include recurring roles in "Malcolm in the Middle" and "The Guardian," and has guest starred in "Scrubs," "That 70's Show," "Judging Amy," "Just Shoot Me," "Elizabethtown," and "Road to Redemption." In addition, Baker has appeared in numerous national commercials, feature films and stage productions.
Before Baker got his big break in Hollywood, he worked in various Chicago City departments such as the Department of Health (AIDS Program and Policy), Office of Cable and Communications and the Board of Education. Baker also served as a consultant for the U.S. Department of Health and Centers for Disease Control, Academy of Educational Development, American Red Cross, and the Illinois State Attorney's Office Health Task Force.
Baker was born in Chicago, Illinois and holds a B.S. in Psychology from Loyola University Chicago and a M.S. in Human Services Administration from Spertus College of Judaica Chicago.
Baker currently lives in Los Angeles. His birthday is February 19.
BRIAN BAUMGARTNER as Kevin Malone
BRIAN BAUMGARTNERas Kevin Malone
Brian Baumgartner portrays Dunder Mifflin Paper accountant Kevin Malone on NBC's "The Office."
Baumgartner's recent television appearances include roles on "Jake in Progress," "Arrested Development" and "Everwood." He is currently filming the romantic comedy "License to Wed," opposite Robin Williams, John Krasinski and Mandy Moore.
Before moving to Los Angeles, Baumgartner served as Artistic Director of Hidden Theatre in Minneapolis, where he received multiple awards for artistic and acting excellence. In addition, Baumgartner performed regionally at the Guthrie Theater, Berkeley Repertory Theatre, Children's Theater Company and Theatre de la Jeune Lune, which were all special Tony Award recipients.
Baumgartner was born in Atlanta, Georgia. He studied acting in college at the Meadows School of the Arts at Southern Methodist University.
Baumgartner happily resides in Los Angeles with his wife and daughter. His birthday is November 29.
Brian Baumgartner portrays Dunder Mifflin Paper accountant Kevin Malone on NBC's "The Office."
Baumgartner's recent television appearances include roles on "Jake in Progress," "Arrested Development" and "Everwood." He is currently filming the romantic comedy "License to Wed," opposite Robin Williams, John Krasinski and Mandy Moore.
Before moving to Los Angeles, Baumgartner served as Artistic Director of Hidden Theatre in Minneapolis, where he received multiple awards for artistic and acting excellence. In addition, Baumgartner performed regionally at the Guthrie Theater, Berkeley Repertory Theatre, Children's Theater Company and Theatre de la Jeune Lune, which were all special Tony Award recipients.
Baumgartner was born in Atlanta, Georgia. He studied acting in college at the Meadows School of the Arts at Southern Methodist University.
Baumgartner happily resides in Los Angeles with his wife and daughter. His birthday is November 29.
CREED BRATTON
CREED BRATTONas Creed Bratton
Creed Bratton portrays Dunder Mifflin's offbeat quality assurance representative, Creed Bratton, on NBC's hit comedy "The Office." Bratton's talent for music and acting began at a young age. He began playing the guitar professionally as a teenager followed by a whirlwind travel experience throughout Europe in his twenties with the band The Young Californians. During this time, he absorbed the unique and eclectic musical styles of the various cultures into his guitar playing.
Bratton just released his fourth solo album called "Creed Bratton." More information about Bratton's cd can be found at http://cdbaby.com/cd/bratton4. As a member of the musical group The Grass Roots in the 1960s, Bratton appeared on numerous television shows, as well as in the Doris Day movie, "With Six You Get Egg Roll." Bratton parted ways with the band in 1972, but continued his passion and released the solo albums "Chasin' the Ball" and "The '80s" in 2001 and "Coarsegold" in 2002.
Recently, Bratton appeared in a short film called "Just One of the Gynos" which has been accepted in three film festivals. Bratton has also worked in front of and behind the scenes as prop man, boom man and grip. His film credits as an actor include "The Wild Pair," "Mask" and "Heart Like a Wheel." On television, he has appeared on hit shows such as "The Bernie Mac Show" and "Eight is Enough."
Born in Los Angeles, he grew up in the small town of Coarsegold near Yosemite, Calif. He attended the College of the Sequoias and Sacramento State College as a drama major. Bratton currently resides in Los Angeles.
Creed Bratton portrays Dunder Mifflin's offbeat quality assurance representative, Creed Bratton, on NBC's hit comedy "The Office." Bratton's talent for music and acting began at a young age. He began playing the guitar professionally as a teenager followed by a whirlwind travel experience throughout Europe in his twenties with the band The Young Californians. During this time, he absorbed the unique and eclectic musical styles of the various cultures into his guitar playing.
Bratton just released his fourth solo album called "Creed Bratton." More information about Bratton's cd can be found at http://cdbaby.com/cd/bratton4. As a member of the musical group The Grass Roots in the 1960s, Bratton appeared on numerous television shows, as well as in the Doris Day movie, "With Six You Get Egg Roll." Bratton parted ways with the band in 1972, but continued his passion and released the solo albums "Chasin' the Ball" and "The '80s" in 2001 and "Coarsegold" in 2002.
Recently, Bratton appeared in a short film called "Just One of the Gynos" which has been accepted in three film festivals. Bratton has also worked in front of and behind the scenes as prop man, boom man and grip. His film credits as an actor include "The Wild Pair," "Mask" and "Heart Like a Wheel." On television, he has appeared on hit shows such as "The Bernie Mac Show" and "Eight is Enough."
Born in Los Angeles, he grew up in the small town of Coarsegold near Yosemite, Calif. He attended the College of the Sequoias and Sacramento State College as a drama major. Bratton currently resides in Los Angeles.
STEVE CARELL as Michael Scott
STEVE CARELL as Michael Scott
Steve Carell received the 2006 Golden Globe Award for Best Actor in a Television Comedy and has received three Emmy nominations for his portrayal of Michael Scott, the pompous and deluded boss in NBC's hit comedy series "The Office."
Carell, along with co-writer Judd Apatow, also received a Writer's Guild of America nomination for Best Original Screenplay for the summer box-office hit "The 40-Year-Old Virgin" from Universal Pictures. With the phenomenal success of the movie, which was honored as Best Comedy Film by the Broadcast Film Critics Association, as well as simultaneously chosen as one of the Top Ten movies of 2005 by the American Film Institute, Carell has forged his place as a major comedy talent. "Virgin" was #1 at the box office and grossed over $170 million dollars worldwide. Carell's status as the funniest man in America was celebrated on the cover of Life Magazine and on NBC's "Saturday Night Live," where he hosted the 2005-06 season premiere.
Already well known for his breakout performances in the films "Bruce Almighty" (starring Jim Carrey) and "Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy," Carell also starred as practical jokester Uncle Arthur in "Bewitched," with co-stars Nicole Kidman and Will Ferrell.
Carell voiced the character of Hammy in the DreamWorks animated feature "Over the Hedge." He co-starred with Greg Kinnear and Toni Collette in "Little Miss Sunshine," an independent film that premiered at the Sundance Film Festival. His other film credits include "Evan Almighty" (which was a "segue" from "Bruce Almighty," in which he played the role of Evan Baxter), "Dan in Real Life" and "Get Smart."
Carell recently completed filming the comedy "Date Night" opposite Tina Fey and is the voice of Groo in the upcoming animated family film "Despicable Me."
Carell honed his comic talents as a regular correspondent on "The Daily Show" and portrayed Ellie's passive-aggressive ex-boyfriend Edgar on the comedy "Watching Ellie." He also was a series regular in "Over the Top" with Tim Curry and Annie Potts and was a writer and performer on "The Dana Carvey Show."
He currently resides in Los Angeles with his family.
Steve Carell received the 2006 Golden Globe Award for Best Actor in a Television Comedy and has received three Emmy nominations for his portrayal of Michael Scott, the pompous and deluded boss in NBC's hit comedy series "The Office."
Carell, along with co-writer Judd Apatow, also received a Writer's Guild of America nomination for Best Original Screenplay for the summer box-office hit "The 40-Year-Old Virgin" from Universal Pictures. With the phenomenal success of the movie, which was honored as Best Comedy Film by the Broadcast Film Critics Association, as well as simultaneously chosen as one of the Top Ten movies of 2005 by the American Film Institute, Carell has forged his place as a major comedy talent. "Virgin" was #1 at the box office and grossed over $170 million dollars worldwide. Carell's status as the funniest man in America was celebrated on the cover of Life Magazine and on NBC's "Saturday Night Live," where he hosted the 2005-06 season premiere.
Already well known for his breakout performances in the films "Bruce Almighty" (starring Jim Carrey) and "Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy," Carell also starred as practical jokester Uncle Arthur in "Bewitched," with co-stars Nicole Kidman and Will Ferrell.
Carell voiced the character of Hammy in the DreamWorks animated feature "Over the Hedge." He co-starred with Greg Kinnear and Toni Collette in "Little Miss Sunshine," an independent film that premiered at the Sundance Film Festival. His other film credits include "Evan Almighty" (which was a "segue" from "Bruce Almighty," in which he played the role of Evan Baxter), "Dan in Real Life" and "Get Smart."
Carell recently completed filming the comedy "Date Night" opposite Tina Fey and is the voice of Groo in the upcoming animated family film "Despicable Me."
Carell honed his comic talents as a regular correspondent on "The Daily Show" and portrayed Ellie's passive-aggressive ex-boyfriend Edgar on the comedy "Watching Ellie." He also was a series regular in "Over the Top" with Tim Curry and Annie Potts and was a writer and performer on "The Dana Carvey Show."
He currently resides in Los Angeles with his family.
by Dwight Schrute It's springtime and creepie crawlies are starting to emerge from all the cracks and crevices. I urge you not to kill them. Please bag them up and bring them to me at once. I need them for soil aeration and to pollinate my beet flowers. Your cooperation will be noted.
THANKS ERIN!
by Andy Bernard I'm sure everyone is already well aware, but one of the year's largest observances took place this week. No it wasn't Ferris Wheel Day, or Middle Name Pride Day, or Sneak Some Arugula onto your Neighbor's Porch Day. Those are all clearly awesomedary, but not as kickass as...Secretary's Day! That's right m'peeps, it's that time again when you step it up and drench your administrative professionals in gifts galore to show them how much you care. There are more than four million secretaries and administrative assistants in the U.S. right now. That's a ton o' typists to commend! And if your secretary is anything like Dunder Mifflin's secretary, you know that she or he is the most hardworking, beautiful, and special person worthy of the highest praise ever. On that note, I'd like to stand on the tallest desk in the office and shout into the vents so that it echoes throughout the entire office building for all to hear, THANK YOU SO MUCH ERIN HANNON! You have done an amazing job as DM's secretary this past year, and everybody knows it. You've got great posture, your bangs are always bouncy, your faxing skills are insane, and your smile is more winning than the Cornell Basketball program (well, almost). Keep up the good work and enjoy your time in the sun, Cinderella. You deserve it.
DARRYL'S REQUEST
by Darryl Philbin Will the person keeping a box of random insects by the bailer please pick them up and take them home? My warehouse isn't some halfway house for bugs. You have until the end of the day before I Raid their asses.
EARTH DAY
by Pam Beesly Andy asked if I would write up a tribute to Erin for Administrative Professionals Day. While I wholeheartedly support this very essential holiday (even though no one really recognized it when I was secretary...), I sort of feel like I should acknowledge Earth Day instead. It's a global holiday celebrated to bring awareness and appreciation for our environment. And I think we can all do our part, big and small, to help save the earth. For example, Jim and I are going to be permanently carpooling to work from now on. Michael - maybe you could cut down on all your finger painting and origami to save paper. Meredith - start recycling your beer bottles. Kevin - think about what you want before you open the refrigerator door to keep the cool in. Angela - maybe turn your floor heater down a few degrees. Think outside of the box, and reduce reuse and recycle everyone!
FASHION 411
by Kelly Kapoor Okay so today it was 61 degrees and partly cloudy, which means...time for mini skirts and camis you guys!!!!! I'm so excited to finally put my arm warmers and my faux mink coat away. Don't get me wrong, those things are totally yummy. But I'm so ready to switch them out for sheath dresses and studded tank tops. If I had to describe fashion this spring in two words, it would be: crazy beautiful. All the rules are seriously changing. Here's the basic lowdown:
Mixing stripes and floral prints is totally okay! I know - initially I was like, ew! What is happening?! But now I'm obsessive. It looks great, trust.
Pockets in dresses are here to stay. Yes it seems weird and like it would make your hips triple in size. But it actually makes your waist look smaller. And you can stuff your fave lip gloss or disposable toothbrush in there, so you'll never be caught unprepared if you bump into a male model or reality star who wants to make out with you.
Necklaces: the bigger the better. Think African tribe meets a second grader's arts and crafts project. So edgy.
Jean jackets are back, just like on Blossom. I never thought I would utter that sentence, but I am. Deal with it. *NOTE: Blossom hats are NOT, repeat NOT back in.
Shoulders are the new cleavage. Show a lot of them. Unless you have weird moles or sunspots or something. In that case just stick to classic cleavage.
Lastly, shoes are getting totally complicated (in a good way). The more hardware, buckles, straps, clasps, color, plastic, and leather the better. Not in a hooker-ish way, but definitely pushing the limits. Think Lady Gaga or Xtina. Have fun looking sexy in the sun! XOXO
THANKS ERIN!
by Andy Bernard I'm sure everyone is already well aware, but one of the year's largest observances took place this week. No it wasn't Ferris Wheel Day, or Middle Name Pride Day, or Sneak Some Arugula onto your Neighbor's Porch Day. Those are all clearly awesomedary, but not as kickass as...Secretary's Day! That's right m'peeps, it's that time again when you step it up and drench your administrative professionals in gifts galore to show them how much you care. There are more than four million secretaries and administrative assistants in the U.S. right now. That's a ton o' typists to commend! And if your secretary is anything like Dunder Mifflin's secretary, you know that she or he is the most hardworking, beautiful, and special person worthy of the highest praise ever. On that note, I'd like to stand on the tallest desk in the office and shout into the vents so that it echoes throughout the entire office building for all to hear, THANK YOU SO MUCH ERIN HANNON! You have done an amazing job as DM's secretary this past year, and everybody knows it. You've got great posture, your bangs are always bouncy, your faxing skills are insane, and your smile is more winning than the Cornell Basketball program (well, almost). Keep up the good work and enjoy your time in the sun, Cinderella. You deserve it.
DARRYL'S REQUEST
by Darryl Philbin Will the person keeping a box of random insects by the bailer please pick them up and take them home? My warehouse isn't some halfway house for bugs. You have until the end of the day before I Raid their asses.
EARTH DAY
by Pam Beesly Andy asked if I would write up a tribute to Erin for Administrative Professionals Day. While I wholeheartedly support this very essential holiday (even though no one really recognized it when I was secretary...), I sort of feel like I should acknowledge Earth Day instead. It's a global holiday celebrated to bring awareness and appreciation for our environment. And I think we can all do our part, big and small, to help save the earth. For example, Jim and I are going to be permanently carpooling to work from now on. Michael - maybe you could cut down on all your finger painting and origami to save paper. Meredith - start recycling your beer bottles. Kevin - think about what you want before you open the refrigerator door to keep the cool in. Angela - maybe turn your floor heater down a few degrees. Think outside of the box, and reduce reuse and recycle everyone!
FASHION 411
by Kelly Kapoor Okay so today it was 61 degrees and partly cloudy, which means...time for mini skirts and camis you guys!!!!! I'm so excited to finally put my arm warmers and my faux mink coat away. Don't get me wrong, those things are totally yummy. But I'm so ready to switch them out for sheath dresses and studded tank tops. If I had to describe fashion this spring in two words, it would be: crazy beautiful. All the rules are seriously changing. Here's the basic lowdown:
Mixing stripes and floral prints is totally okay! I know - initially I was like, ew! What is happening?! But now I'm obsessive. It looks great, trust.
Pockets in dresses are here to stay. Yes it seems weird and like it would make your hips triple in size. But it actually makes your waist look smaller. And you can stuff your fave lip gloss or disposable toothbrush in there, so you'll never be caught unprepared if you bump into a male model or reality star who wants to make out with you.
Necklaces: the bigger the better. Think African tribe meets a second grader's arts and crafts project. So edgy.
Jean jackets are back, just like on Blossom. I never thought I would utter that sentence, but I am. Deal with it. *NOTE: Blossom hats are NOT, repeat NOT back in.
Shoulders are the new cleavage. Show a lot of them. Unless you have weird moles or sunspots or something. In that case just stick to classic cleavage.
Lastly, shoes are getting totally complicated (in a good way). The more hardware, buckles, straps, clasps, color, plastic, and leather the better. Not in a hooker-ish way, but definitely pushing the limits. Think Lady Gaga or Xtina. Have fun looking sexy in the sun! XOXO
About the Office
From Deedle-Dee Productions, Reveille and Universal Media Studios comes the hilarious documentary-style look into the humorous and sometimes poignant foolishness that plagues the world of 9-to-5 in the half-hour comedy "The Office," based on the award-winning BBC hit. Since its premiere on NBC in March 2005, "The Office" has established itself as a genuine hit, earning prestigious television honors such as the 2006 Emmy Award for Outstanding Comedy Series, 2006 Peabody Award, 2006 AFI Honor, Producers Guild Award, Writers Guild Award, SAG Award for Outstanding Performance by an Ensemble in a Comedy, Ace Eddie Award for editing and a Television Critic's Association Award for Outstanding Achievement in Comedy.
A fly-on-the-wall "docu-reality" parody about modern American office life, "The Office" delves into the lives of the workers at Dunder Mifflin paper supply company in Scranton, Pennsylvania. Regional manager Michael Scott (Golden Globe winner and Emmy nominee Steve Carell, "Get Smart," "Little Miss Sunshine") is a single, middle-aged man who is the boastful tour guide for the documentary.
With unshaken enthusiasm, Michael believes he is the office funnyman, a fountain of business wisdom and his employees' cool friend. He has no clue that his employees tolerate his inappropriate behavior only because he signs their paychecks. Painstakingly trying to be liked and to look cool, Michael comes off alternately absurd and pathetic. His prize possession is his "World's Greatest Boss" mug -- which he had to buy for himself.
Pam Beesly (Jenna Fischer, "Walk Hard," "Blades of Glory") is the reasonable and friendly office receptionist who bears the brunt of Michael's routines. The bright spots in Pam's day are her conversations with Jim Halpert (John Krasinski, "Leatherheads" "The Holiday"), a likable sales rep with a good sense of humor who should have found a better job years ago, but is too comfortable with his office mates and routine to leave.
Jim shares his working space with Dwight Schrute (Rainn Wilson, "The Rocker," "The Last Mimzy"), the arrogant assistant to the regional manager. Dwight is intensely irritating to normal people while Jim spends a lot of time finding new, interesting ways to drive Dwight crazy.
Ryan Howard (B.J. Novak, "Punk'd") is the young, smart, former temp, who quickly figured out the real office politics despite Michael's attempts to instill the official point-of-view.
Also starring are Melora Hardin ("Monk") as Jan Levenson, Ed Helms ("The Daily Show with Jon Stewart") as Andy Bernard, Leslie David Baker ("Malcolm in the Middle") as Stanley Hudson, Brian Baumgartner ("Arrested Development") as Kevin Malone, Kate Flannery ("The Heir Apparent") as Meredith Palmer, Mindy Kaling ("The 40-Year-Old Virgin") as Kelly Kapoor, Angela Kinsey ("Tripping Forward") as Angela Martin, Paul Lieberstein (writer, "King of the Hill") as Toby Flenderson, Oscar Nuñez ("Halfway Home") as Oscar Martinez, Phyllis Smith ("Arrested Development") as Phyllis Lapin, Creed Bratton (former member of The Grass Roots) as Creed Bratton and Craig Robinson ("Curb Your Enthusiasm") as Darryl Philbin.
"The Office" is executive-produced by Ben Silverman, Greg Daniels, who developed the series for American audiences, Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant, Howard Klein and Paul Lieberstein.
A fly-on-the-wall "docu-reality" parody about modern American office life, "The Office" delves into the lives of the workers at Dunder Mifflin paper supply company in Scranton, Pennsylvania. Regional manager Michael Scott (Golden Globe winner and Emmy nominee Steve Carell, "Get Smart," "Little Miss Sunshine") is a single, middle-aged man who is the boastful tour guide for the documentary.
With unshaken enthusiasm, Michael believes he is the office funnyman, a fountain of business wisdom and his employees' cool friend. He has no clue that his employees tolerate his inappropriate behavior only because he signs their paychecks. Painstakingly trying to be liked and to look cool, Michael comes off alternately absurd and pathetic. His prize possession is his "World's Greatest Boss" mug -- which he had to buy for himself.
Pam Beesly (Jenna Fischer, "Walk Hard," "Blades of Glory") is the reasonable and friendly office receptionist who bears the brunt of Michael's routines. The bright spots in Pam's day are her conversations with Jim Halpert (John Krasinski, "Leatherheads" "The Holiday"), a likable sales rep with a good sense of humor who should have found a better job years ago, but is too comfortable with his office mates and routine to leave.
Jim shares his working space with Dwight Schrute (Rainn Wilson, "The Rocker," "The Last Mimzy"), the arrogant assistant to the regional manager. Dwight is intensely irritating to normal people while Jim spends a lot of time finding new, interesting ways to drive Dwight crazy.
Ryan Howard (B.J. Novak, "Punk'd") is the young, smart, former temp, who quickly figured out the real office politics despite Michael's attempts to instill the official point-of-view.
Also starring are Melora Hardin ("Monk") as Jan Levenson, Ed Helms ("The Daily Show with Jon Stewart") as Andy Bernard, Leslie David Baker ("Malcolm in the Middle") as Stanley Hudson, Brian Baumgartner ("Arrested Development") as Kevin Malone, Kate Flannery ("The Heir Apparent") as Meredith Palmer, Mindy Kaling ("The 40-Year-Old Virgin") as Kelly Kapoor, Angela Kinsey ("Tripping Forward") as Angela Martin, Paul Lieberstein (writer, "King of the Hill") as Toby Flenderson, Oscar Nuñez ("Halfway Home") as Oscar Martinez, Phyllis Smith ("Arrested Development") as Phyllis Lapin, Creed Bratton (former member of The Grass Roots) as Creed Bratton and Craig Robinson ("Curb Your Enthusiasm") as Darryl Philbin.
"The Office" is executive-produced by Ben Silverman, Greg Daniels, who developed the series for American audiences, Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant, Howard Klein and Paul Lieberstein.
Introduction to the cast----Quotes
hey people this where you can learn all about the office(usa) and if you dont watch it i hope you will like these facts, quotes, and more! lets star off with the charitors so you can know them better.Michael ScottSteve CarellRegional Manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton (Seasons 1–5)President/Founder of The Michael Scott Paper Company (Season 5)Co-Manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton (Season 6–present)Jim HalpertJohn KrasinskiSales Representative (Seasons 1–3; he also intermittently acted as the de facto Assistant Regional Manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton during this time)Assistant Regional Manager of Dunder Mifflin Stamford (Season 3)Assistant Regional Manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton (Seasons 3–5)Co-Manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton (Season 6–present)SalesDwight SchruteRainn WilsonSales Representative / "Assistant to the Regional Manager" (Season 1-3; but still assumes this job in the series as of late)Beet Farm OwnerPam Halpert (née Beesly)Jenna FischerReceptionist (Seasons 1–5)Sales Representative of The Michael Scott Paper Company (Season 5)Sales Representative of Dunder Mifflin (Season 5–present)Andy BernardEd HelmsSales Representative / "Regional Director in Charge of Sales" (Season 3–present)Stanley HudsonLeslie David BakerSales RepresentativePhyllis Lapin-VancePhyllis SmithSales RepresentativeAccountingAngela MartinAngela KinseySenior AccountantKevin MaloneBrian BaumgartnerAccountantOscar MartinezOscar NuñezAccountantProduct OversightMeredith PalmerKate FlannerySupplier Relations RepresentativeKelly KapoorMindy KalingCustomer Service RepresentativeCreed BrattonCreed BrattonQuality Assurance RepresentativeReceptionErin HannonEllie KemperReceptionist (Season 5–present)TempsRyan HowardB. J. NovakTemp (Seasons 1–2, 5-present)Sales Representative of Dunder Mifflin (Season 3 & 5)Vice President, North East Region and Director of New Media (Season 4)Fill-in Receptionist (Season 5)Bowling Alley Clerk (Season 5)Salesman of The Michael Scott Paper Company (Season 5)WarehouseDarryl PhilbinCraig RobinsonWarehouse ForemanRoy AndersonDavid DenmanWarehouse Dock Worker (Seasons 1–3; fired in The Negotiation)Corporate and Human ResourcesDavid WallaceAndy BuckleyChief Financial OfficerJan LevinsonMelora HardinVice President of Regional Sales (Seasons 1–3)Owner & Chandler of Serenity by Jan CandlesToby FlendersonPaul LiebersteinHuman Resources RepresentativeHolly FlaxAmy RyanHuman Resources Representative of Dunder Mifflin Scranton (Seasons 4–5)Human Resources Representative of Dunder Mifflin Nashua (Season 5–present)[Jim has Pam on the phone through his bluetooth device in his ear]Michael Scott:Jimbo, let's do this thaang.Jim Halpert:That is me. Wish me luck.Dwight Schrute:No way.Pam Beesly:[in Jim's ear] Good luck.Jim Halpert:Thanks.Dwight Schrute:I didn't say anything.Pam Beesly:[in Jim's ear] I love you.Jim Halpert:I love you too.Dwight Schrute:What do you think I am saying to you!?Jim Halpert:I'm not talking to you.Dwight Schrute:[cut to talking head] I've caught Jim talking to himself several times today. What a loser. [to camera] Get a friend, loser.Michael Scott:Pam, you're trustworthy.Pam Beesly:Thank you.Michael Scott:And a woman.Pam Beesly:Oh no.Michael Scott:I can't do the presentation, I can't. Just... thinking about seeing him, and, thinking about him getting a hold of her and getting to kiss her. Just... Ow God.Pam Beesly:Listen. When Jim was dating Karen I didn't want to come to work. It was awful. I hated it. I wanted to quit but--Michael Scott:Please. Come on. I'm going through something. Ok?Dwight Schrute:Through simple concentration I can both raise and lower my cholesterol.Pam Beesly:Why would you raise your cholesterol?Dwight Schrute:So I can lower it.Kevin:Michael, did you just throw-up in there?Michael Scott:Nah. Just poopin'. You know how I be.Kevin:It smells like throw-up in here.Michael Scott:Crazy world. Lot of smells.Jim Halpert:In everyone's defense I think the most worthy opponent of you is... you.Dwight Schrute:That is correct. Unless there happen to be measles present.chael Scott:Daddy's here and Daddy is going to take care of you.Oscar:Please don't refer to yourself as our daddy.Michael Scott:I am your big daddy and I am gonna kiss de booboo.Andy:Andy is afwaid.Michael Scott:Andy afwaid?Andy:Yes.Michael Scott:Are you all afwaid?Dwight Schrute:No.Michael Scott:Daddy here for youu. My wittle angels.Oscar:Hi everyone.Kevin:Oh hello Oscar. How was your gay-cation?Oscar:That's very funny.Kevin:Yeah? I thought of that like two seconds after you left.Michael Scott:Okay, I have an announcement.Oscar:You pushed Darryl out the window.Michael Scott:No--Phyllis:You shot Dwight.Michael Scott:No, no. That is not funny, I love my employees. Even though, I hit one of you with my car-- for which I take whole responsiblity.Ryan:What I really want, honestly, Michael is for you to know it so that you can communicate it to the people here, to your clients, whomever.Michael Scott:Oh okay.Ryan:What?Michael Scott:It's whoever, not whomever.Ryan:It's whomever.Michael Scott:No, whomever is never acutally right.Jim Halpert:Nope, sometimes it's right.Creed:Michael is right. It's a made up word used to trick students-Andy:No. Actually, whomever is the formal version of the word--Oscar:Obviously it's a real word- but I don't know how to use it correctly.Michael Scott:[to camera] Not a native speaker.Kevin:I know what's right. But I'm not gonna say. Because you're all jerks who didn't come see my band last night.Ryan:Do you really know which one is correct?Kevin:I don't know.Pam Beesly:It's whom when it's the object of the sentence and who when as the subject.Phyllis:That sounds right.Michael Scott:Well it sounds right but is it?Stanley:How did Ryan use it, as an object?Ryan:As an object.Kelly:Ryan used me as an object.Oscar:Is he right about that--Pam Beesly:How did he use it again?Toby:It was, Ryan wanted Michael, the subject, to explain the computer system, the object--Michael Scott:Thank you!Toby:...to whomever, meaning us, the indirect object. Which is the, the correct usage of the word.Michael Scott:No one, uh asked you anything ever so whomever's name is Toby, why don't you take a letter opener and stick it in your skull?(Darrel scores point in ping pong)Kelly:wooohh go baby!(Jim scores a point)Pam:ha see that!Kelly wow that floppy haired girl you date scored a point(Darrel scores point in ping pong)Kelly:Go baby! Hey! Hey! You! You! I don't like your boyfriend! 'Cause! 'Cause! 'Cause! 'Cause! 'Cause he sucks at ping pong!Angela:My worst breakup, was actually two breakups. Two different men. I was in love with both of them and, when things went bad... they had a duel over me.Oscar:Yeah Dwight and Andy, we were here.Angela:No. This was years ago when I was living in Ohio. John Mark and John David.Oscar:Angela you had two sets of different men... actually duel over you?Angela:I guess I have...
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